Voices

This post was originally written Monday, 14 September 2015.

Confession: I hear voices inside my head. Sometimes they are quiet, sometimes loud, sometimes talking all at once, sometimes singing. I am in the midst of achieving a life dream, and the big day is tomorrow. As the day has approached, one voice has been whispering. A little here. A little there.Now whispering more and more as I think about tomorrow, and getting bolder and a little louder each time. This is what the voice says, "You can win and succeed but you shouldn't. If you do you will be seen. People will look at you, scrutinize you, see your faults, and find you lacking, undeserving. Fail. It's easier."

I am afraid of my own success. I am afraid of what that success will require, and I am afraid of the inevitable failure. I don't want to be seen in success because that might allow my failures to be seen as well. I am not perfect and never claimed to be, but neither do I want to be laid bare and exposed.

I sit here writing this next to the ocean. I love the roar of the waves. Repetitive yet different each time. Soothing as they smooth the sand. Cars are driving up and down the street and an occasional plane flies overhead, yet my ear is attuned to the ocean. I have chosen to shut out the other noises, the other voices, and have chosen to listen to the voice of the ocean. If I can do that, then I can do the same to the voices in my head. I can replace them with my voice. This is what I will say, "I can succeed and I will fight to win. I will not give up. Others will see me, and that's okay. Let them look. Yes, they will see brokenness, mistake after mistake, and fallenness, but they will also see healing and strength and courage and redemption."

This is the voice of the ocean to me. What voices do you hear?

Look. See. Listen.

Comments

Darlene said…
Love your authenticity. It's okay to be who you are and process through your emotions in such a healthy way. I think most anyone can relate to what you wrote and as you get older, you will not care so much about what other people think. To live out a dream of being on Jeopardy! is extremely cool. You are one of the most intelligent, yet humble young ladies I have ever met. Your heart and ministry for children, abused women on both the homeland and overseas is not a easy, yet you are obedient to your calling. The bottom line is what the Lord thinks and I cannot imagine he is anything but happy to enable you to live out your dreams both on earth and in eternity.
4:46 PM
Beth said…
Thank you Darlene! Your words have ministered to me.
8:01 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Memorial of Genocide

Background: In 1975 Pol Pot and the communist party Khmer Rouge came to power. The face they put on for the world was one of an ideal communist society, but the truth behind the mask was one of terror, mistrust, and murder. For four years, Cambodia endured and struggled for survival. Help came in the form of an invasion by the Vietnamese army, and the world was made aware of the millions of deaths that had been ignored, denied, or unheard. It is estimated that approximately 2 million people died directly from the genocide and another million died from the forced famine. The world had seen genocide before but not one committed against a group's own people group. This is thirty years later.... On Tuesday, my second day here, we visited Tuol Sleng or S-21. This was a high school that the Khmer Rouge used as a torture center where people accused of committing crimes against the party would be taken before they were executed. Only 7 out of 17,000-20,000 people survived. The compound is ...
Read more

Testimony

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to share a testimony at my organization's regional conference regarding what I had learned about hope during my residence permit issues. Below is what I wrote out and shared. It has been slightly edited for the context of this page.  I arrived in Austria in November 2017 on a tourist visa. What we didn't know at the time is that I would live the next year on a 90-day rotation between Austria and Ireland while I waited on a decision about my residence permit. We found out that my residence permit was denied about a week before my tourist visa expired. I had a short amount of time to get my Austrian affairs in order and to make plans regarding Ireland. At first, I saw going to Ireland as a great adventure and opportunity. I get to live in Galway, Ireland?! I had never been there before and had always wanted to go. I love the ocean and was going to be able to live next to it. I would also get to know different people from my organization. This ...
Read more

Week One

We have been in the country a little over a week, returned to normal sleep patterns after jet lag, and already experienced some different ministries. It was a very hard first week. I experienced some culture stress as Cambodia is nothing like I imagined or expected. I will record more of my cultural observations and struggles on this blog in the next few days as I journal about them. I also had a hard week physically. Not with stomach problems as many might suppose, although my stomach is adjusting as well, but with a really bad heat rash that was all over my back, arms, and thighs. It has taken a few days but is now starting to clear up. Two main things I learned from this week are 1.) God is the only Sustainer and 2.) this trip is not going to be anything like my trip to Japan. Week 2 has begun and everything looks brighter. Monday we started teaching summer school at Logos International School. I thought I was going to be teaching art for two weeks, but after a visit to the school l...
Read more