Adventurous Life

Today, I learned a lifetime lesson. Back story: I am in love. And not just with one guy, but with three guys. No, I am not a hussie. I am in love with three little men, ages 4, 3, and 8 months, who happen to be the lights of my life and the apples of my eye. (Love will cause you to make weird analogies sometimes.) I'm not their mom, and they're not my kids, but I love love them just as deeply. I am their Beth, and they are my boys. I didn't know that I could love someone so deeply until I fell head over heels in love with my boys. Rest of the Story: C turned 4 on Monday. For the past few weeks the plan was to celebrate his birthday by riding the train to Ft. Worth, do something fun there, and ride the train back. The celebration would take most of the day. Whenever the party was mentioned in my presence, C would ask, "Will you come Beth?" I have said each time with the thought that I will make it work. Yes, it's at a difficult time in the semester, but I will ...

Journal entry dated 19 May 2010. Today I feel like a bird in a cage yearning to be free. I trap myself within rules, should dos, and ought to dos. I try to meet expectations, and all that happens is I die a little bit each time. Money is an issue. I am spending my own money on this trip with no guarantees I will ever get anything back. These are my savings for school, but I also have been saving for this trip. I want to be free, to enjoy the opportunities, to eat what I want and how ever much I want at meals without worrying about spending too much. My past financial spending failures and the voice of my father haunts me. As Marnie says, this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip--enjoy it. Chris says, it's only money. And I am trapped like a bird in a cage longing to be free. I want to live in freedom and grace. I want to stop beating myself up for the littlest thing. I want to live as God has intended. I want to live. Maybe that's why I enjoyed today so much. Desert and wilderness wit...

Journal entry dated 18 May. Today we went to many different tells and cities mentioned in the Old Testament.I guess what influenced me the most today was how brilliant people were back then. I recognize that this says more about my pride and the pride of my time. We think that we are so much smarter and know more than what people did back then. In some ways this is true, but the fault lies in that we think we are better than people back then. For instance, at Lachish they had a channel that served as a sewer taking the sewage out of the city. At Mareshah, they built their city under the top of the hill--actually inside the hill--because it would be cooler than out in the sun. Their engineers were brilliant! Their works have lasted thousands and thousands of years. It makes me wonder how long parts of our generation will last. My favorite part of today was looking for and finding potsherds at Lachish. There are centuries and millenia of history there, and it is starting (or has been) ri...

Journal entry dated 16 May 2010. Going to the Herodion helped me understand. It is at a strategic point, and I understand why Herod built a fortress there. From that vantage point one can watch the southern approaches to Jerusalem and even some of the movement in the east at Jericho, even though we couldn't see it today. The Herodion is high enough to see for miles away. I wonder what else we could have seen if the haze had not come. One thing the Mount of Olives impressed upon me was how small the country of Israel is. From there you could see Nebi Samwell and I imagine even the Herodion if we were on the other side or in a tower. All of Jerusalem, or most of it, could have been surveyed from up there. I realized that I read the Bible with an American perspective on space--everything is spread out with miles and miles between. Nothing of much importance is close together. The same cannot be said of Israel. I am sure that perspective will change as we move out of the Jerusalem area...

This entry is dated 15 May after touring the Central Benjamin Plateau. I think today was my favorite day so far. I was actually able to see and experience how geography has influenced history. The land determines where you live, how you live, and how life unfolds. Because of how wadis have cut and shaped the wilderness and because of the climate and lack of vegetation, the Judean Wilderness is not prime real estate. The placement of the wadis also determine travel. In Israel, because of the deep valleys and and ridges, sometimes the shortest distance between two points is not a straight line. Today I started falling in love with the land. I enjoyed standing on top of Nebi Samwell and seeing Jerusalem, the Dome of the Rock, the Mount of Olives, the Transjordan Plateau, and Tel Aviv in the distance. I enjoyed the drops and climbs in elevation, the green of the plants and trees and the brown of the rocks, the rocky terrain, and the broad, flat land. So much variation! Maybe this speaks mo...

This entry is dated 15 May. What a trip! So much has been seen and experienced. If I had to sum up Jerusalem, and even Israel for that matter, in one word it would be BARRIERS. There are so many barriers here. Walls between old city and new, between ethnic groups and language, men and women, clean and unclean. There are certain places for you to live depending upon your ethnicity or religion. Where you can pray at the Western Wall depends upon your gender. One group controls the Temple Mount, while another controls the land around it. Even at the Christian Church of the Holy Sepulcher there are barriers between the different Christian groups. Barriers over doctrine, practices, and territory--but no love or unity. All of these barriers has made my heart ache. It hurts when I hear group members denigrate Arabs or other Christian sects. There is so much pride, and I know I am guilty too. If we don't have love or unity for our own brothers and sisters, then what good is our faith? The ...

One of our assignments on the trip was to reflect upon what we were seeing. I do not particularly like journaling (although I see its benefits), and I do not like being told to journal. Since it was an assignment, I did it, and I can humbly say that I am grateful for this assignment. How else could I have recorded or responded to a trip that probably has changed my life? Below is my first journal entry followed by reflections I had today. I am almost done putting together my photos so those will be coming soon. Yesterday (11 May) Kevin and I went to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher where Christ was crucified and buried. Briefly = 10 minutes max, and I had my sunnis on. I say this because I didn't feel anything special about the place. Was it because I couldn't really see? Because we didn't have ea lot of time to explore and feel? Kevin says it was tiredness from jetlag. Probably it's a combination. It worries me a little. What if this trip doesn't change me? What if...

I have decided to revert back to my original title and description for this blog. It's not that I have overcome perfectionism but that this theme applies better to my whole life and I can write about anything under the heading of adventure. Struggling with perfectionism is an adventure. Growing in grace is an adventure. Relating my recent trip to Israel is an adventure. Being authentic and transparent is an adventure. So despite the name changes, the content of this blog has and will remain the same. Hopefully, I will not. It's time for change.

One of the principal lessons I learned during my time in Cambodia is that the Gospel is not only for our future, but it also has relevancy and an impact on our lives today. Let me clarify. Most of the Gospel presentations I hear are focused on the person accepting Christ so that he will go to heaven when he dies. Many presentations even start with, “If you died today, do you know where you would go?” These presentations are not wrong, but they limit the Gospel to a future reality and do not provide a present hope for the many people who live in suffering, poverty, hard times, or pain today. What Christ has done for us on the cross does not only have importance for the future, but it also impacts and is relevant to our lives today. If we claim the hope of the Gospel, then we need to live in such a way that declares that hope. I know some of you may be saying, “This isn’t new, Beth. Our lives are supposed to be different and we are supposed to live by different principles since we are C...

As you might have noticed, I have changed the name of my blog. For some time I have felt that this blog was egocentric and an attempt on my part to make myself important my reflecting through my life experiences. But my life isn't about me; it is all about the Triune God who chose me, saved me, and dwells within me. My focus is now to make Him greater with the result that I become less (John 3:30--a great verse). But do not be misled by the new title. This blog will not be a place where I discuss the theological issues of Christian perfectionism, but it will be where I chronicle my struggles with being a perfectionist. By openly confessing, I seek transparency, integrity, accountability and not boastings of my "greatness." But do not worry if you enjoyed my previous posts. I will still continue to be a catalogue of my adventures because every aspect of life is an adventure with the proper perspective.

I was sitting in the cafe waiting for the internet to connect (which it wasn't) when the anxious feelings started to creep in. I wanted to leave this place and go somewhere more comfortable. Then I think and realize that this is culture stress. I took a few deep breaths and it was better. Eating out or going for a drink (smoothie, juice, coffee, milkshake, etc) in another culture is an experience. Fast food places and cafes here are not like the ones in the US. Do I order first and then sit down or sit down first and then order? I wanted to get a piece of pizza for lunch at a place in the mall the other day, but I was unsure about how to answer these questions. Instead, I went to a place where I saw that I ordered first and then enjoyed a piece of pizza (crisis averted!). There are two options in this situation. First, to turn away and not even try or second, to make the best attempt possible and chance embarrassment and failure. Option 2 is the best, but I must admit I occasion...

Today, I realized I never will have perfect teeth. It all started a year ago with one cavity with several “suspicious spots” which turned into 7 cavities a week after that (with still many “suspicious spots”). I added mouth wash to my daily regimen of once per day brushing before bed. Six months later I was back at the dentist with a chipped tooth and my very own nightguard to wear for the rest of my life. Can you feel my joy? I began to brush and use mouth wash both mornings and evenings. Don’t worry, there is the occasional flossing tossed in there as well. My goal: to have The Perfect Dental Visit where they tell me, “Everything looks fabulous, your teeth are in great health, keep up the good work, see you in 6.” Today, I was hopeful. I had been keeping up a good dental regimen and even increased the frequency of flossing (admittedly it would decrease until the next visit loomed on the horizon). I was confident that today was the day of The Perfect Visit. My hopes were high, and...

After looking at my blog, I realized that I did not post as much on this site as I thought I did. My apologies. In the next few weeks I will post various stories and experiences from my time in Cambodia. THE PRESCHOOL One of things I have enjoyed the most are the ministries that were not on "the original plan" for the trip. Lisa and I had expected to teach English in a village (didn't happen), work at a ministry that helps women leave the sex trade, teach a couple of weeks at an international school, and volunteer at an orphanage. But we have been involved in so much more. Our team teaches English to Vietnamese kids twice a week, teaches a kids' Sunday school at one of our churches, types up English books for a ministry that does theological education by extension, and participates in a friendship/English outreach once a week. We all have other ministries to suit our personal skills, gifts, and talents. One of my favorite ministries is ABC-123 Preschool. This preschoo...

The following is my journal entry for 18 June. Today is the Queen Mother's birthday, and in celebration the schools have a holiday so no Logos this morning. Instead, Lois p'own sray, Lisa and I went to Miss Kim's house. When there isn't school she invites her youth group over for the morning and lunch. They are all Vietnamese kids whose parents came to Phnom Penh some time ago. They tens to be some of the poorest here since the can't get papers for real work or citizenship since they are Vietnamese ethnicity. Because of the poverty the parents sometimes sell their daughters to brothels for money. After meeting and getting to know a few of these beautiful, young ladies it breaks my heart to think about what could be the reality of their future. On Tuesdays and Thursdays we teach English at New Hope School which is just for the Vietnamese. The first 3 classes I was with the youth but now I am with kids who are about 5 years younger and are just learning English. So fa...

We have been in the country a little over a week, returned to normal sleep patterns after jet lag, and already experienced some different ministries. It was a very hard first week. I experienced some culture stress as Cambodia is nothing like I imagined or expected. I will record more of my cultural observations and struggles on this blog in the next few days as I journal about them. I also had a hard week physically. Not with stomach problems as many might suppose, although my stomach is adjusting as well, but with a really bad heat rash that was all over my back, arms, and thighs. It has taken a few days but is now starting to clear up. Two main things I learned from this week are 1.) God is the only Sustainer and 2.) this trip is not going to be anything like my trip to Japan. Week 2 has begun and everything looks brighter. Monday we started teaching summer school at Logos International School. I thought I was going to be teaching art for two weeks, but after a visit to the school l...

Background: In 1975 Pol Pot and the communist party Khmer Rouge came to power. The face they put on for the world was one of an ideal communist society, but the truth behind the mask was one of terror, mistrust, and murder. For four years, Cambodia endured and struggled for survival. Help came in the form of an invasion by the Vietnamese army, and the world was made aware of the millions of deaths that had been ignored, denied, or unheard. It is estimated that approximately 2 million people died directly from the genocide and another million died from the forced famine. The world had seen genocide before but not one committed against a group's own people group. This is thirty years later.... On Tuesday, my second day here, we visited Tuol Sleng or S-21. This was a high school that the Khmer Rouge used as a torture center where people accused of committing crimes against the party would be taken before they were executed. Only 7 out of 17,000-20,000 people survived. The compound is ...

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,  Because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted;  He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,  To proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners;  To proclaim the favorable year of the LORD And the day of vengeance of our God;  To comfort all who mourn, To grant those who mourn in Zion, Giving them a garland instead of ashes, The oil of gladness instead of mourning, The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting. So they will be called oaks of righteousness, The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified. ~ Isaiah 61:1-3 This passage of Scripture described the ministry of the Messiah, and the people would know of the arrival of the Messiah by witnessing these works. Jesus read this passage at the beginningof His ministry to declare His Messiahship and what He was going to do among them (cf. Luke 4:17-21). For some reason I have always been struck by this passage. It speaks of liberation and restoration, that...

In less than a week Lisa and I will be leaving for Cambodia! The vaccinations are complete, the packing has begun, and the excitement is starting to build. My life has been such a whirlwind lately that I am (somewhat) looking forward to being enclosed in a plane for 20ish hours. It is hard to imagine that a week from now I will be in a different country (yay!) adjusting to a 12-hour time difference (hmmm). For those of you who would like specific times, we leave Dallas at 10:30 p.m. Saturday and arrive in Phnom Penh at 11:35 am on June 8th. Gotta love crossing the international date line! My brother once told me it is sort of like flying to the future.    I will have email access at an internet cafe while I am there, but I do not know how often I will be able to go. I will try to send out updates as often as possible. Please feel free to email me if you wish, but I might not respond quickly.    Now on to the Cambodia portion of the email!   MINISTRIES Lisa & I will be...

........120%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, you read that correctly. Not only did God provide 100% by the deadline, but He also provided waaaaaaaaaaay more than that. I am guestimating how much extra but it is so cool to see how God opened the floodgates this week. Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and encouragement! You now have a small reprieve from the updates. I will send another update next week to mark one month until we leave. In the words of my good friend Julia, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

As of Thursday, 30 April, 11:00 p.m. CST, I am now up to 93% or $3802! If you have told me you are giving but have not told me the amount, your gift is not included in this number. There are quite a few of you so that means my total is actually higher. Yay! Thank you God for providing so abundantly through all of these people, and thank you for allowing me to be a part of this Body, this family. You are good, you are all good, and you are the highest good. May I never forget or live as it is false. In Jesus' name I rejoice--Amen!