Responding
I have dealt with a lot of disappointments these past few years. Many people have tried to encourage me, and while some have been truly encouraging, others have left me more discouraged than I was before our interaction. I have reflected on my own experiences (read: these may not apply for everyone), and here are a few ways to truly help someone who is discouraged. If you have more ideas, share them in the comments!
DO INVITE THEM:
1. Let them know you are there for them.
2. Ask how they are doing /feeling.
3. Give them time, space, and silence. Each person is different in how much they need.
4. Let them know they are not alone.
5. Listen. Let them know you are listening and engaging, but that's it.
DON'T INVADE THEM:
1. Don't assume you know how that person feels. You may have a guess (and it may be right), but ask and let them tell you. It will be empowering for them.
2. Don't speak for that person. Strike the phrase "You must be..." from your mind. No. Just no.
3. Don't interrupt. Interrupting shows that you think what you have to say is more important than what the other person has to say.
4. Don't make it all about you. Don't share your story of a situation you think is similar unless they ask you to share.
5. Don't "should" them or give a command in another form. You may have a very good idea for what might help them (and you may be correct), but now is not the time to tell them what they should do. When in the midst of discouragement, shoulds rarely come across as helpful and more often come across as judgmental opinions or decisions made by you for that person. The option "I have a couple of suggestions I could share whenever you would like to hear them" is a good alternative. It lets the other person act when they are ready. They will learn it better if they make that choice, and they will have a better relationship with you because of your willingness to let them decide.
DO INVITE THEM:
1. Let them know you are there for them.
2. Ask how they are doing /feeling.
3. Give them time, space, and silence. Each person is different in how much they need.
4. Let them know they are not alone.
5. Listen. Let them know you are listening and engaging, but that's it.
DON'T INVADE THEM:
1. Don't assume you know how that person feels. You may have a guess (and it may be right), but ask and let them tell you. It will be empowering for them.
2. Don't speak for that person. Strike the phrase "You must be..." from your mind. No. Just no.
3. Don't interrupt. Interrupting shows that you think what you have to say is more important than what the other person has to say.
4. Don't make it all about you. Don't share your story of a situation you think is similar unless they ask you to share.
5. Don't "should" them or give a command in another form. You may have a very good idea for what might help them (and you may be correct), but now is not the time to tell them what they should do. When in the midst of discouragement, shoulds rarely come across as helpful and more often come across as judgmental opinions or decisions made by you for that person. The option "I have a couple of suggestions I could share whenever you would like to hear them" is a good alternative. It lets the other person act when they are ready. They will learn it better if they make that choice, and they will have a better relationship with you because of your willingness to let them decide.
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