Heights

I am afraid of heights. I like the views but the possibility of plunging to my death? Not a big fan really. I like my railings, holding on tightly, and keeping my feet firmly planted on the ground. Right now, this fear is manifesting itself within my faith

I am preparing to move to Austria to serve refugee children and their families. My trainings are all done, and I am focusing on developing a partnership team. My goal is to arrive in Europe by September so I can attend a conference later that month. While it is good to have a deadline to work toward, that deadline is not definite. If I miss the conference it will not be a huge setback. But, a living opportunity has come up which provides a a more definite deadline. There is a good apartment available for sublet beginning 05 September, and I have to decide about it this week.

I am standing on a precipice and asked to jump. Do I jump with a "yes" to the apartment and trust God will bring in the necessary partners in time? Or do I stand back with a "no" or a "not yet," see how things go, and possibly scramble for a situation as I get closer to departure? I know God will catch me when I jump, and I am not worried about that. My biggest concern is--when will He catch me? Just after I jump? When I'm halfway down? Just before I hit rock bottom? In all honesty, I probably jumped a long time ago and have been falling ever since. Maybe it was a big jump when I said "yes" to faith in Christ and then I landed on a small plateau. Maybe it was a smaller jump when I said "yes" to serving Christ overseas or maybe that was a big jump too with a lot of smaller jumps in between. All I know now is that I am asked to jump again, and I can't see the bottom. I can't see whether the jump is big or little. I don't know what's next.

Maybe that's what the fear of heights is all about--a fear of the unknown. What do I do now? Pray and while I am doing so I am reminded of my recent training at MTI in Colorado and our small session on Corrie Ten Boom. She said the following.

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
~ Corrie Ten Boom

I know my God. I know how big He is and what He wants to do. I can trust Him. I am still standing at the precipice, but I am not grasping for the railing as I was before.



*Maybe this post seems a little over-dramatic to you. That's ok. This process of transition is often unstable--physically, mentally, relationally, emotionally. My feelings are honest, and the drama isn't played up. It's hard to understand unless you've gone through it. Welcome to the life of faith in transition.

Comments

Barb V said…
I loved your blog, Beth! And, I say I resounding "Amen" to your thoughts!
6:06 PM
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