Simpler Times

What happened to the simpler times? The times in my life when I remember being happy? Last year I remember being happy. Sure it was tough adjusting to school, making new friends, and allowing God to work in my life, but I was happy and joyful. Then the summer came and I was isolated from my Christian communities. My friends from school didn't want to make the drive to see me and I didn't want to spend my summer driving to see them so that was one part of my life cut off. Aspects of my Sunday school at church changed and it was more like a high school clique of which I was not cool enough to be a part. I stopped going to that. There wasn't anyone I could takt to or hang out with at work or at home so it was...just...me. I reverted back to my old ways of independence and self-reliance. After all, if there is no one around you for support the only person you have is yourself. I could have been disciplined and stayed connected to God but I let my shame push a big wedge between us.*

When school started back up again I guess I never really recovered from the summer. I got back into the groove of things, and doing became the definition and the norm as opposed to being. Now it is summer again. Two weeks into it and I am already cut off from those who would listen if I needed them to. There is no one to tell my glads to and there is no one to tell my sads to. I agreed to the decision today to have my 19-year-old cat put to sleep. She was my closest and probably only friend in my darkest of days growing up. She could always sense when I was upset. She would find me, let me hug her and cry into her fur, and purr to comfort me. No one else would listen. Who will listen from now on? I won't even be able to tell her goodbye or how much I have loved her.

A black cloud covers the day and I wonder if it will ever lift. I have been through these times before but I thought they were gone. Is this how life is? A continual series of rises, plateaus, and valleys? When will it end? Will tomorrow be a better day?
Please come out sunshine...

*I have figured out that I am too afraid of making myself vulnerable. I have been hurt and rejected so many times by people close to me that to open up is too dangerous. Unfortunately I never get really close to people. I keep myself closed up sometimes to the point where I am expressionless and emotionless. I worry that I will never marry because that would involve making myself completely vulnerable and dependent upon someone else. I also am not vulnerable with God. I am afraid that He will reject me. I don't remember the last time I really prayed about the issues of my heart. I am afraid of what He will say about who I am. Am I a disappointment and a failure? Who am I God? Was I worth it?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Memorial of Genocide

Background: In 1975 Pol Pot and the communist party Khmer Rouge came to power. The face they put on for the world was one of an ideal communist society, but the truth behind the mask was one of terror, mistrust, and murder. For four years, Cambodia endured and struggled for survival. Help came in the form of an invasion by the Vietnamese army, and the world was made aware of the millions of deaths that had been ignored, denied, or unheard. It is estimated that approximately 2 million people died directly from the genocide and another million died from the forced famine. The world had seen genocide before but not one committed against a group's own people group. This is thirty years later.... On Tuesday, my second day here, we visited Tuol Sleng or S-21. This was a high school that the Khmer Rouge used as a torture center where people accused of committing crimes against the party would be taken before they were executed. Only 7 out of 17,000-20,000 people survived. The compound is ...
Read more

Testimony

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked to share a testimony at my organization's regional conference regarding what I had learned about hope during my residence permit issues. Below is what I wrote out and shared. It has been slightly edited for the context of this page.  I arrived in Austria in November 2017 on a tourist visa. What we didn't know at the time is that I would live the next year on a 90-day rotation between Austria and Ireland while I waited on a decision about my residence permit. We found out that my residence permit was denied about a week before my tourist visa expired. I had a short amount of time to get my Austrian affairs in order and to make plans regarding Ireland. At first, I saw going to Ireland as a great adventure and opportunity. I get to live in Galway, Ireland?! I had never been there before and had always wanted to go. I love the ocean and was going to be able to live next to it. I would also get to know different people from my organization. This ...
Read more

Week One

We have been in the country a little over a week, returned to normal sleep patterns after jet lag, and already experienced some different ministries. It was a very hard first week. I experienced some culture stress as Cambodia is nothing like I imagined or expected. I will record more of my cultural observations and struggles on this blog in the next few days as I journal about them. I also had a hard week physically. Not with stomach problems as many might suppose, although my stomach is adjusting as well, but with a really bad heat rash that was all over my back, arms, and thighs. It has taken a few days but is now starting to clear up. Two main things I learned from this week are 1.) God is the only Sustainer and 2.) this trip is not going to be anything like my trip to Japan. Week 2 has begun and everything looks brighter. Monday we started teaching summer school at Logos International School. I thought I was going to be teaching art for two weeks, but after a visit to the school l...
Read more