Singleness & Significance
I am content with my singleness. This hasn't always been the case and it may not always be the case, but it has been my attitude the past few months and one I am quite happy to have. Yes, I would like to be married one day and have a family, but for now I am happy with my life. It is full, it is unique, it is loved, and it has value. Significance and value is something I have longed struggled with. It is were I am most sensitive and nothing makes me angrier than to intimate that I am not valuable or significant.
Today, I got angry. I had a coffee date with a friend scheduled. It has been hard for us to get together due to work and life, and we finally had a date and time nailed down. She backed out on short-notice...again. In our conversation of her apologizing and me saying maybe this really isn't just a good time for her, she throws the family card. You know, "Well, I have kids, it's summer time, and life is hard." I acknowledge that life is hard, and life lived in relationship with others is even harder. Let me break down a few reasons why playing the family card to a single person can be hurtful. Granted, I am sensitive to someone challenging my value and these are broad generalizations, but I am not alone in receiving such comments nor experiencing the same hurt.
1.When someone plays this card, they may be trying to give understanding but it comes across as demanding sympathy. The single person hears, "My life is harder than yours. Since you don't have anyone, your life doesn't really have much and you just need to be more flexible. What do you have to be upset about?" Relationships are the foundation of life, but marriage and being a parent are not the only ways to have meaningful relationships. I have very deep and meaningful relationships with my friends, my boss and her kids, my small group. I love and am loved by these people, I am accepted by and belong in those groups, and they are my family. I depth of concern for them rivals any mother's for her children. My life is heart-warming full not because of the activities that occupy my time but because of the love I share these God has gifted.
2. When someone plays the family card, the single person hears, "My life is active because I have a family. Yours is passive because you are waiting to get married." Yes, I am waiting for marriage but my life is far from passive. I admit that in college, and even for a few years after I graduated, I would come home from class or work and check my voicemail to see if my crush had finally called to ask me out. He never did. But somehow, somewhere I realized that there is life to be lived outside of waiting for some guy. So I live it. I serve at church, I go to museums and movies and the library, I create, I reflect, I explore, I hang out with friends, I travel, I volunteer, I relax, I live. I don't let my life happen; I choose to make it so.
3. When someone plays the family card, the single person hears, "My life has value and significance because I am in an intimate relationship and parenting. You don't so you aren't." Not only is this hurtful but it is also theologically incorrect. We are all made by God in the image of God. He is the source of our value, and we have been purchased at a great price--the blood of Jesus Christ. My value does not come from who I am dating, who I am friends with, who I work for, or who my parents are. My value comes from Him alone. What I do with my life is important, but my value as a person is not defined by my actions or my earthly relationships. My life is valuable simply because God caused it to be.
This has been bothering me all day even though I have tried to shake it. Tonight, I received a monthly update email from missionary friends with whom I had ministered for a short time years ago. It was a regular update, nothing extraordinary, but it released me from my anger and confirmed my value and significance. In one of the pictures there was a young man, W, who ministers alongside this couple. When I first met him, he was not a believer but consistently attended an English Bible study my team and I led. A couple of years after we left, he accepted Christ. I know it wasn't directly because of us, but we did till the soil for a while and plant seeds. A drop in a bucket of water still produces a ripple effect. I was single then, and I made an impact. I am single now and making an impact. My significance and value comes from the One who created me and gave me everlasting life. No one on this earth can take that away.
Today, I got angry. I had a coffee date with a friend scheduled. It has been hard for us to get together due to work and life, and we finally had a date and time nailed down. She backed out on short-notice...again. In our conversation of her apologizing and me saying maybe this really isn't just a good time for her, she throws the family card. You know, "Well, I have kids, it's summer time, and life is hard." I acknowledge that life is hard, and life lived in relationship with others is even harder. Let me break down a few reasons why playing the family card to a single person can be hurtful. Granted, I am sensitive to someone challenging my value and these are broad generalizations, but I am not alone in receiving such comments nor experiencing the same hurt.
1.When someone plays this card, they may be trying to give understanding but it comes across as demanding sympathy. The single person hears, "My life is harder than yours. Since you don't have anyone, your life doesn't really have much and you just need to be more flexible. What do you have to be upset about?" Relationships are the foundation of life, but marriage and being a parent are not the only ways to have meaningful relationships. I have very deep and meaningful relationships with my friends, my boss and her kids, my small group. I love and am loved by these people, I am accepted by and belong in those groups, and they are my family. I depth of concern for them rivals any mother's for her children. My life is heart-warming full not because of the activities that occupy my time but because of the love I share these God has gifted.
2. When someone plays the family card, the single person hears, "My life is active because I have a family. Yours is passive because you are waiting to get married." Yes, I am waiting for marriage but my life is far from passive. I admit that in college, and even for a few years after I graduated, I would come home from class or work and check my voicemail to see if my crush had finally called to ask me out. He never did. But somehow, somewhere I realized that there is life to be lived outside of waiting for some guy. So I live it. I serve at church, I go to museums and movies and the library, I create, I reflect, I explore, I hang out with friends, I travel, I volunteer, I relax, I live. I don't let my life happen; I choose to make it so.
3. When someone plays the family card, the single person hears, "My life has value and significance because I am in an intimate relationship and parenting. You don't so you aren't." Not only is this hurtful but it is also theologically incorrect. We are all made by God in the image of God. He is the source of our value, and we have been purchased at a great price--the blood of Jesus Christ. My value does not come from who I am dating, who I am friends with, who I work for, or who my parents are. My value comes from Him alone. What I do with my life is important, but my value as a person is not defined by my actions or my earthly relationships. My life is valuable simply because God caused it to be.
This has been bothering me all day even though I have tried to shake it. Tonight, I received a monthly update email from missionary friends with whom I had ministered for a short time years ago. It was a regular update, nothing extraordinary, but it released me from my anger and confirmed my value and significance. In one of the pictures there was a young man, W, who ministers alongside this couple. When I first met him, he was not a believer but consistently attended an English Bible study my team and I led. A couple of years after we left, he accepted Christ. I know it wasn't directly because of us, but we did till the soil for a while and plant seeds. A drop in a bucket of water still produces a ripple effect. I was single then, and I made an impact. I am single now and making an impact. My significance and value comes from the One who created me and gave me everlasting life. No one on this earth can take that away.
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