Growth

This is the story of how I became a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle...

I grew up in a passive-aggressive home that would let the tension build and express the hurt, frustration, and disappointment in so many other ways rather than discuss the conflict and try to resolve it. As a result, I try to avoid conflict when ever possible. I will deny there is an issue, push it off as long as possible, end it messily just so there won't be any more conflict, or try to find someone else to handle it. Any conflict (real or potential) emotionally and mentally drains me. I feel the tension even when the conflict does not involve me. If I have to face conflict, I physically struggle with an increased heart rate, shaky legs, and an upset stomach. Fortunately, there are those in my life who love me enough to help me grow in this area, but I continue to feel like a failure at the end of any conflict. I thought I always handled conflict wrong and everyone else did it right. Hopeless.

When I saw on the MTI schedule that we would have one whole day focused on conflict resolution, I was not overjoyed. The weekend before Conflict Day, I had to contact 3 people in my life (significant other, someone in family of origin, co-worker/teammate) and ask them questions about how I handle conflict. I would use this information to identify my own conflict styles. Conflict styles, you ask? It turns out that everyone has their own conflict style. Directing styles (lions) compete, control, and are out to win in a conflict. Collaborating styles (owls) cooperate so that all sides in a conflict win. Compromising styles (foxes) bargain and negotiate to end the conflict without concerning agendas or relationships. Harmonizing styles (teddy bears) accommodate and soothe because getting along is their main concern. Avoiding styles (turtles) withdraw and sidestep in order to reduce tension. Note: these are extremely simplified versions of each style. There are strengths for each style and areas for growth as well. There are times when it is appropriate for these styles to be used and times when they are not. We were divided into groups according to our style and then spent time appreciating how the other styles handle conflict and how the other styles can demotivate us during conflict. Then, as a style we met with all the other styles and shared this information.

I have a style! It's not that I do conflict wrong and everyone else does it right. My style has strengths and times when it is appropriate to use. Yes, there are areas of growth and times when it is not appropriate to use this style, but that is a different mindset than I-am-wrong-and-everyone-else-is-right. Also, those who I am in conflict with have their own styles too. They have areas of growth and times when their style is not appropriate. If you haven't guessed, my conflict style is that of a Turtle. I learned that, depending on the situation, my secondary style is Lion. This is commonly known as Snapping Turtle, but I prefer to think of myself as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Raphael was my favorite by the way, and I have decided to embrace my turtleness. Even though I am a turtle and conflict scares the beejeebus out of me, I can work through conflict and do so with confidence and humility. Since this lesson, I have had a few run-ins with conflict, and I can say that although I still have the physical backlash to conflict I have been able to handle it much better and have real resolution. Hope!


Resources that have been helpful to me:

• The Peacemaker by Ken Sande. Conflict resolution from a biblical perspective.
• The Kraybill Conflict Style Inventory. You can take a short inventory here or order the book and find other resources here. This inventory serves as a basis for the styles listed above.
• Counseling. Seriously.

P.S. Satan uses conflict to destroy, but when done well and out of love, conflict can be handled in such a way that God wins. Make sure God wins.