Ramblings on My Relationship with God

Why do I refuse God? I have a relationship with Him in the sense that I try to take from Him. I do not give to Him and neither do i let Him give to me. I have been pretty regular about spending time in the Word, which is good for me. I have not been regular of late. My prayer life is almost nonexistent because i am afraid of what He has to say. I know God loves me and has my best at heart. Why do i refuse Him? Why am i afraid of intimacy with my God and Savior? To be honest, it's because i have been burned so many, many times in the past. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I distance myself as a protective measure but i end up hurting myself more because i deny myself the intimacy with God i desire and need. I want to be wholly God's but i know that i am a liar with good intentions when i sing those words. I have a hard time trusting. I do not like myself this point in my pilgrimage. I wnat to be more than what i am, but i am not obedient enough to get there. I abuse grace. I want to be more godly, but my pride keeps getting in the way. My self will only truly die and be separated from me when I go home to be with Christ. Oh, how I wish that was soon at times.
I have a great tendency to be negative, but there are also some postive happenings with my relationship with God. I previously mentioned reading the Bible regularly. It has actually been exciting to read and i have been more engaged when i do due to the fact that i read with a purpose. My purpose is to see how God cares for the nations and how He has cared throughout the whole Bible. It has been really amazing to see. In Numbers 14 God is about to destroy all the Israelites because they refuse to go into the Holy Land. Moses intercedes and pleads with God to spare them because the nations will hear of it and doubt God's power (v. 11-16). I am excited to see how God reaches the nations, thanks to my mission-minded heart. I have been learning so much at school about this God i serve. He really is amazing.
"Oh, the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths betond tracing out!" ~ Romans 11:33

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