Israel Flashback #6

Journal entry dated 19 May 2010.

Today I feel like a bird in a cage yearning to be free. I trap myself within rules, should dos, and ought to dos. I try to meet expectations, and all that happens is I die a little bit each time. Money is an issue. I am spending my own money on this trip with no guarantees I will ever get anything back. These are my savings for school, but I also have been saving for this trip. I want to be free, to enjoy the opportunities, to eat what I want and how ever much I want at meals without worrying about spending too much. My past financial spending failures and the voice of my father haunts me. As Marnie says, this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip--enjoy it. Chris says, it's only money. And I am trapped like a bird in a cage longing to be free. I want to live in freedom and grace. I want to stop beating myself up for the littlest thing. I want to live as God has intended. I want to live.

Maybe that's why I enjoyed today so much. Desert and wilderness with hardly anything around. But, there were big, open spaces. Heights to look down and around at the world. The wind blowing freely. Trusting God is the only way to survive here. No cages. No restraints. Tranquility. Today's landscape was the most beautiful yet. Oh, to be free and fly on the wind.

On Monday, some of us went to Yad Vashem, which is Israel's national Holocaust Museum. It is all very well done. In the children's memorial, it is dark and candle lights reflect all around. A voice reads the names, ages, and home countries of each child killed. There is a walk to commemorate those who served in the Jewish undergrounds and rebellions, and another one that focused on Gentiles who helped or rescue Jews. A large square remembered the Warsaw ghetto liquidation, and there is a remembrance hall with a flame that always stays lit. The exhibition all is a triangle shape. You start off watching a video about Jewish life before the Holocaust and then descend into the exhibits. The paths weave you back and forth as the history unfolds. There are many good artifacts, info panels, and personal interview windows throughout. The exhibit concludes with the Hall of Names, which documents every person who died in the Holocaust. As you leave the exhibit you ascend into the light. Yad Vashem also has art museums, a learning center, and visual library on site.

I was the most emotionally influenced in the children's memorial. No big surprise I suppose. AS I was walking out, I burst into tears and asked God, "What do you want me to do?" I have no idea. Julie says it will be something big. I have doubts, but I also have low self-esteem. I liked how the museum tried to physically get you into the mood or force you to experience the exhibits by descending, winding, and ascending. I think it reflects as aspect of postmodernism in that we not only want to know or hear but also to feel and experience.