Adventurous Life

Our Favorite Aunt Joan

2011-12-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

It's a family joke because she is our only Aunt Joan. In fact, she is my great-aunt, married to my grandpa's uncle. I have known her all my life and have felt a special connection to her. She is 60 years and 1 day older than me. She was the the first devoted follower of Christ in our family that I knew of. In that sense, she served as a role model for me in the faith. She exudes joy, and I always knew that joy she had came from her faith in Christ. She was the only person I knew like that, and to be honest, I thought she was kind of weird for it. After I became a Christian in college, I would turn to her family for support and advice. I knew if they supported my decisions to spend a summer in ministry training, to go on a mission trip to Japan, or to leave home and family to go to seminary, then I would be able to withstand any criticism I might receive from other family members. She came to my baptism. She prayed for me and for my future husband whoever he may be. Faithful, loving, amazing, youthful. I could continue to describe her, but I do not think I will ever fully see her impact on my life this side of eternity. I only know she was special to me and my family. Even the nonChristians in the family adore her--that's saying something.

Aunt Joan died yesterday evening. Around Thanksgiving, my mom emailed to say that they had to put her in a nursing home. It seemed she had had a mini stroke, and her mind had been failing for years. The last time I saw her, which was 3 or 4 years ago, she did not remember who I was. That was okay. I was determined to visit her while I was in Indiana for Christmas. When I got to her room, it took me a few minutes to recognize her. This was not the Aunt Joan I remembered. She had gained weight, looked older than I had ever seen her, and had a hard time maintaining consciousness. I was there for about an hour and a half. Periodically she would wake up saying, "Help me! Help me! Help me!" but could not tell me or did not know what she needed. She had sharp back pains, so I massaged her back. Her right slipper had gotten mixed up in the laundry, so until it came back I cupped my hands around her foot to keep it warm. I didn't know what to do while she was sleeping, so I sang along with a Christmas CD she had playing and read to her from the Gospels. A couple of times she would just look at me and say, " I love you. I love you, honey." At one point I thought it was a good time for me to leave, but she heard me get me coat and begged me not to go. She said she was afraid. When I asked her of what, she said, "I don't know." Throughout the visit I prayed. I prayed God would give her peace and comfort. I prayed for her family. And I prayed God would take her home. I asked for His mercy to do so, that He would bring home one of His most faithful servants, that she would be reunited with her husband, that her hopes and dreams of praising Jesus in front of His throne would be realized. I treasured every minute of that visit.

It is done. I have no doubt Aunt Joan is in heaven and loving every minute of being with Jesus. I will miss her, but in some sense she has been gone for a long time. I am not mourning because I am glad she is no longer suffering. I look forward to the day when I will see her again. I love you Aunt Joan! You may have passed on to your eternal reward, but you will always be present in my heart. May a part of your legacy be lived through me as I live to glorify and honor our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. ~ Hebrews 12:1-2a

Israel Flashback #10

2011-08-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

The following is my final journal entry regarding my trip in Israel. While the journal concludes, the trip has marked me and changed me forever. Dated 27 May 2010

I have 3 days of reflection papers to write. Oh brother. -- We did a lot on Tuesday. Part of the reason was that we had a flat tire, or two, on Monday and it took time to repair them. Therefore, we had to cram Arbel into Tuesday's schedule. I enjoyed visiting Kursi and Bethsaida. Basalt rock is common in this area of the Galilee region, and it is a different change to see buildings made out of black basalt as opposed to lighter limestones. You use what you have.

I enjoyed Capernaum as well. The synagogue there was beautiful. Even though basalt was used in many places, they imported marble or limestone (I forget which) to build the synagogue. When I read Jesus' accounts in the Gospels, I think of space and time differently than what it must have been. I have realized how much of my culture I have read into the Bible. For instance, the towns where Jesus spent most of His time and did most of His work (Bethsaida, Capernaum, Corazin) where not very big. I had pictured them as though they were the size of a modern day town. I also realized that I do not read the Bible in real time. When it says Jesus went up the mountain, He didn't do it in a couple of minutes. It took a while. Much of Jesus' life was spent walking or doing physical things.

My favorite parts of the day were the climb to Arbel and the boat ride. Arbel is a huge cliff that overlooks the Sea of Galilee. You can see all the way around the Sea, and it was a great view. Unfortunately, we did not have any time for reflection (1 minute does not count). I also really enjoyed the hour-ish boat ride across the Sea. It was calm, good, peaceful, and I had a good conversation with Kevin.

Wednesday we drove north. In fact we were so far north and east that, on separate occasions, we saw the lands of Lebanon and Syria. I was excited for that because we have seen a total of 6 countries on this trip: Israel, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Lebanon, and Syria.

Hazor was another large tell. It did have a palace and a dais though. We took a nice nature hike at Dan. It was a very nice area that had remnants of the temple, an old army bunker facing Lebanon, and a mud brick gate dating back to the age of the patriarchs. The gate may classify as the oldest thing I have ever seen. We were also able to visualize better how the gate system worked and how the leader of the city would sit out there and allow entry or judge matters.

One cool thing we saw were the ruins of the temples dedicated to the Greek gods at Casarea Philippi. This is the place where Jesus said, "On this Rock I will build my church and the gates of Hades will not overcome it." The religion of the ancient Greeks has passed away (or changed into different forms) but Jesus' Church still stands. Christ can, does, and will overcome the power of Satan.

Today was a short day. The only place we went of biblical significance was Beth Shean (OT name)/Scythopolis (NT name). This is the place were Saul's body hung on the gates as a trophy and later was one of the Decapolis cities. In its day it was a grand city, but time and earthquakes have taken their toll. No matter the majesty or grandeur or man, the majesty and grandeur of God is far greater and more powerful.

The Jordan River is a great example of how time affects geography. In biblical times it was a barrier to travel and could only be crossed in a few places. Now it is a stream that could be swum across. Greg says in flooding season it is more formidable. The river shows the effects of man as well since farming and other agricultural practices have changed and dried the river.

Waiting

2011-07-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

*Sigh* It seems that I have spent most of my life waiting. Waiting for my first tooth to fall out. Waiting for the bus. Waiting to have my first, real, true friend. Waiting to grow up. Waiting to be happy. Waiting to finally get to travel overseas. Waiting to arrive. Waiting to be noticed. Waiting to be invited. Waiting to love. Waiting to be loved. Waiting.

I am tired of waiting.

When it comes to being patient, I do well within the moment. I am patient in grocery checkout lines when I am waiting behind all those insane coupon people (you know who you are Mighty B). I am patient when postponing something I want to do for the sake of a child. I am patient waiting for my pizza to cool off after it comes out of the oven (okay, that one needs work). I am patient when I know the end of a situation will be soon. In short, I am patient when I am in control.

1 Corinthians 13:4 says, "Love is patient." Patience is a modern translation of the idea "long-suffering"--to be of long-spirit but not lose heart. I now understand the idea of long-suffering. I feel it every day and struggle not to lose heart. It is waiting with heavy burdens.

If love is patient, then patience is love. In all honesty, I am not loving my Father because I am not patient with Him. I wait, but not with loving-kindness and trust. I wait with suffering and self-pity. I wait with the air of arrogance that if I was in control of my life, I could do things better. I prideful, self-centered, and...wrong.
I wait because I am asked to by my Father. I am not in control. I am not entitled to anything because I wait. I receive what He chooses to give. And if He chooses to withhold, I continue in faithfulness. He is the author and overseer of the universe. I am a complainy brat.

Dear heavenly Father ~ Please open my eyes to see the goodness you have surrounding me. Empower me to fix my eyes on Jesus. I submit wholly to Your plan and will for my life whatever that may be. You are my Lord and I am Your servant. In Jesus's name I pray--Amen.

So, here I am.
Waiting.

Israel Flashback #9

2011-07-10T17:30:00.001-07:00

Journal entry from 25 May 2010

Yesterday. All my thoughts seem so far away. But I believe in yesterday. Enough with the song lyrics. I need to write my reflection entry for yesterday. To be honest, yesterday did not start off very well. I didn't sleep well and I knew Monday would be busy. We went to Megiddo and somewhat quickly blazed through the tell. Maybe it was the funk I was in or the fact that we have already seen many, tells, regardless, I was not that impressed. The F-16 jets flying overhead caught my attention more. I think it was the funk. A lot of archaeology has been done at the site so we were able to see at least 3 layers of settlements, Solomon's three-gate system, a Canaanite altar, and Solomon's stables. We also walked through the water system.

After lunch at Ein Harod where the the Lord chose Gideon's 300 men, we went to Nazareth Village in Nazareth. Here a group of Christians recreated life in first century Nazareth. They use the same methods and materials that people used back then. So, if they build with stone they hew it out instead of using machines. If they use wood they chop it and shape it. Some of the exhibits we have seen before such as the wine press and the tomb. The thing that struck me most was to learn that most of the building and agricultural methods were still in use until approximately 50 years ago. Then things began to modernize. People must have been doing something right for those practices to continue for so long. Again, I don't think we, myself included, give people of the past much credit. We tend to always think that our way is best. Sometimes it may be better, but not best.

It has been an emotionally tough week. I have failed at guarding my heart. I have been crushing on Mr. X. Last week when I hit an emotional pit, he asked if everything was okay and I was rude in my response. The next day I was convicted and apologized. He forgave me and then sat next to me on the bus the following day as an act of kindness and friendship--to show that everything was okay. I know there is nothing more to it, but my thoughts went barreling down the wrong path. If I didn't have a crush before, I definitely did then. Nothing further has happened and he may even be avoiding me. He has sat at the front the past 2 days on the bus.

I wish I could guard my heart better from myself. I get so emotionally involved and connected to fantasies and imaginings I build off of nothing. I have not been myself. Things don't seem as fun, new, or exciting anymore. I have a hard time focusing when he is around because my eyes and thoughts tend to drift. The last free day was nice because I didn't see him and therefore think about him...most of the day. He is a man of great quality and a brother in Christ. I should leave it at that. I pray that God will continue to show me truth and help me guard my heart. Someday I would like to know more happy days than painful ones. I don't want this to be my only memory from the trip.

Israel Flashback #8

2011-07-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

My journal entry for 23 May 2010.

Today, we have traveled north. Either it is much cooler up here, I have acclimated to the southern climates, or both. Regardless, I am pretty cold. Right now I am wearing my jeans and a long-sleeve tshirt. I can see the Med from the balcony above our room, and there is a pretty good wind coming from the sea.

The land up here is very different. For one, it is very green with a lot of trees and fields. There are some flat places, but wherever you go you can see hills in the distance. Overall, I would not classify Israel as a flat land. Even if it looks flat, you can be sure there is a wadi or nahal of some sort that will provide a variation in elevation. Plains and valleys are small. Hills roll throughout the land. This area doesn't strike me as beautiful. Maybe because I have seen areas that are similar. Perhaps I am reaccustomed to green once again. The wilderness area was new and different. New experiences appeal to me and refresh me. The same old story remains an old story. In some ways, Israel resembles the US in that the land is not a constant characterization but varies throughout.

Israel Flashback #7

2011-07-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know my trip to Israel was over a year ago, but 1.) I have not posted all my journal entries yet and 2.) the trip was that amazing. Now commencing my journal entry from 22 May 2010:

Today was a free day but I have to write about the last 2 days. If I have energy I will write about personal thoughts and experiences.

Thursday was not really a biblical experience day. At least it felt that way. We spent the morning snorkeling and swimming in the Red Sea. I'm pretty sure Moses and the gang didn't do that when they left Egypt. It was a LOT of fun though. It was my first time snorkeling, and I would love to do it again. The water was so clear, blue and beautiful!

Afterwards, we went to see a life-size model of the tabernacle. The holy of holies was not as big as I expected. It was a good experience, though, to see how large the tabernacle area was. Just think, each time God wanted to move, the Levites would have to take down the tabernacle in a specific way, put up everything in a specific way, and carry it throughout the desert and wilderness--all the coverigs, poles, walls, items, and clothing. Not to forget carrying the ark as well! this took time and patience. A mistake could mean death and cursing not just of an individual but perhaps also a family. The Levites had to be devoted and committed.

After the tabernacle model we went to the Hai Bar nature preserve--a zoo of biblical animals. While walking along, I saw an injured bird close to the edge of the path. At first I moved it under a bench so it would be out of the way, but then I moved it under a bush/tree into the shade. It looked like it was trying to eat a berry so I thought I would get it some water. I went looking for a bottle cap in which to p[our some water but by the time I got back a minute or two later, the bird was dead. Life is fragile out here in the hot wilderness and sun. Without God's gracious mercy we would all perish.

Friday morning we went up to Herod's palace fortress at Masada. This place was huge! Maybe a football field and a half at least. After Herod, the Zealots used it in the revolt against the Romans. The cliffs around the top are steep with a narrow, winding path up. (I took the cable car.) The slave power it took to maintain the place must have been immense. It shows that money and power can get you what you want, but it cannot get you peace.

After Masada, we went for a float in the Dead Sea. Because of the high salinity, all you can do is float. It is also dangerous to splash the water in case it gets into your eyes.

Our final visit for the day was Qumran. The community there was very serious and dedicated to their religion and what they believed. They had more mikvahs (ritual baths) than what they had people--I think. They spent a lot of time copying down Scriptures and their commentaries. Thanks to them, much of our Old Testament Scriptures have been preserved and defended.

After Qumran, we came up to Jerusalem to spend the night. That means in one day we went from the lowest point on earth to one of the highest areas in Israel. From 1300 feet below sea level to 2500 feet above sea level. From harsh wilderness to green hills. A little after the sun set I was able to look down on the valley and see the coastal plain and the Mediterranean Sea. This land has so much to offer, and each day it grows more and more beautiful. I really think I could live here some day. Or maybe some place like it.

Love

2011-04-13T16:47:00.000-07:00

Today, I learned a lifetime lesson.

Back story:
I am in love. And not just with one guy, but with three guys. No, I am not a hussie. I am in love with three little men, ages 4, 3, and 8 months, who happen to be the lights of my life and the apples of my eye. (Love will cause you to make weird analogies sometimes.) I'm not their mom, and they're not my kids, but I love love them just as deeply. I am their Beth, and they are my boys. I didn't know that I could love someone so deeply until I fell head over heels in love with my boys.

Rest of the Story:
C turned 4 on Monday. For the past few weeks the plan was to celebrate his birthday by riding the train to Ft. Worth, do something fun there, and ride the train back. The celebration would take most of the day. Whenever the party was mentioned in my presence, C would ask, "Will you come Beth?" I have said each time with the thought that I will make it work. Yes, it's at a difficult time in the semester, but I will make it work. I love him, and he is more important than any paper I have to write.

The day for the party came. Honestly, I was dreading it. I didn't have a lot of sleep the night before, I had been struggling with an allergy-related sore throat for the past 3 days, and the mound of schoolwork to do in the few remains of the semester was overwhelming. The logical part of me asked, "Is this wise to be gone all day? You are exhausted. Maybe you should stay home and rest instead of pushing through another busy day. You will probably regret this trip." But I love C, and I had made a promise to him. I wanted to go.

What else could I do? I prayed. Through exhaustion and increasing stress I turned to the Father, "God, please help me enjoy this day. Please help me be present for C, to not get too tired, to heal my ear and throat, and help me finish all the work I have to do. I am trusting You in this situation." This semester I have realized the importance of trusting God first. Trust should not be an after thought or a last resort, even though I often treat it as if it is. God cares for me and about me. Even though my plan does not always line up with His will, I can trust Him. After praying, I felt that He would honor my sacrifice of time out of the love I have for C.

It is the end of the day, and we had a blast. It was fun, C loved it, and I enjoyed myself too. My ear and throat cleared up midday and hasn't hurt since. I got a short nap on train on the way back. I made major headway on an assignment that is due soon. God's blessings rained upon me today. Does God always answer my prayers? No. Is He able to answer all my prayers? Yes. Why does He answer some and not others? Love. Out of His great love for us, He sacrificed His only Son so that we may be together. This isn't a cheap love but something great and inconceivable. His love is not one of addition but one of multiplication. It is His love that flows through me to C, B, and S. I love because He first loved me. I have known this truth for years and it still humbles me, still blows my mind.

I sign off tonight with some lyrics of a treasured song. This song played in mind as I wrote this post, and so I will share.

How great the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that helf Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast inJesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Israel Flashback #6

2010-10-27T17:43:00.001-07:00

Journal entry dated 19 May 2010.

Today I feel like a bird in a cage yearning to be free. I trap myself within rules, should dos, and ought to dos. I try to meet expectations, and all that happens is I die a little bit each time. Money is an issue. I am spending my own money on this trip with no guarantees I will ever get anything back. These are my savings for school, but I also have been saving for this trip. I want to be free, to enjoy the opportunities, to eat what I want and how ever much I want at meals without worrying about spending too much. My past financial spending failures and the voice of my father haunts me. As Marnie says, this is a once-in-a-lifetime trip--enjoy it. Chris says, it's only money. And I am trapped like a bird in a cage longing to be free. I want to live in freedom and grace. I want to stop beating myself up for the littlest thing. I want to live as God has intended. I want to live.

Maybe that's why I enjoyed today so much. Desert and wilderness with hardly anything around. But, there were big, open spaces. Heights to look down and around at the world. The wind blowing freely. Trusting God is the only way to survive here. No cages. No restraints. Tranquility. Today's landscape was the most beautiful yet. Oh, to be free and fly on the wind.

On Monday, some of us went to Yad Vashem, which is Israel's national Holocaust Museum. It is all very well done. In the children's memorial, it is dark and candle lights reflect all around. A voice reads the names, ages, and home countries of each child killed. There is a walk to commemorate those who served in the Jewish undergrounds and rebellions, and another one that focused on Gentiles who helped or rescue Jews. A large square remembered the Warsaw ghetto liquidation, and there is a remembrance hall with a flame that always stays lit. The exhibition all is a triangle shape. You start off watching a video about Jewish life before the Holocaust and then descend into the exhibits. The paths weave you back and forth as the history unfolds. There are many good artifacts, info panels, and personal interview windows throughout. The exhibit concludes with the Hall of Names, which documents every person who died in the Holocaust. As you leave the exhibit you ascend into the light. Yad Vashem also has art museums, a learning center, and visual library on site.

I was the most emotionally influenced in the children's memorial. No big surprise I suppose. AS I was walking out, I burst into tears and asked God, "What do you want me to do?" I have no idea. Julie says it will be something big. I have doubts, but I also have low self-esteem. I liked how the museum tried to physically get you into the mood or force you to experience the exhibits by descending, winding, and ascending. I think it reflects as aspect of postmodernism in that we not only want to know or hear but also to feel and experience.

Israel Flashback #5

2010-10-26T18:57:00.000-07:00

Journal entry dated 18 May.

Today we went to many different tells and cities mentioned in the Old Testament.I guess what influenced me the most today was how brilliant people were back then. I recognize that this says more about my pride and the pride of my time. We think that we are so much smarter and know more than what people did back then. In some ways this is true, but the fault lies in that we think we are better than people back then. For instance, at Lachish they had a channel that served as a sewer taking the sewage out of the city. At Mareshah, they built their city under the top of the hill--actually inside the hill--because it would be cooler than out in the sun. Their engineers were brilliant! Their works have lasted thousands and thousands of years. It makes me wonder how long parts of our generation will last.

My favorite part of today was looking for and finding potsherds at Lachish. There are centuries and millenia of history there, and it is starting (or has been) rising to the top. We were all able to find pocketfuls of potsherds. I even found one that had a rounded edge--a rim! Hopefully, Bryant Wood will identify the time period. I didn't want to focus on anything else but hunting and discovering. I could have stayed out in the hot sun a few more hours looking for fragments. I was glad and excited that I could identify what a potsherd was. Life dream of archeology--check!

Israel Flashback #4

2010-07-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

Journal entry dated 16 May 2010.

Going to the Herodion helped me understand. It is at a strategic point, and I understand why Herod built a fortress there. From that vantage point one can watch the southern approaches to Jerusalem and even some of the movement in the east at Jericho, even though we couldn't see it today. The Herodion is high enough to see for miles away. I wonder what else we could have seen if the haze had not come.

One thing the Mount of Olives impressed upon me was how small the country of Israel is. From there you could see Nebi Samwell and I imagine even the Herodion if we were on the other side or in a tower. All of Jerusalem, or most of it, could have been surveyed from up there. I realized that I read the Bible with an American perspective on space--everything is spread out with miles and miles between. Nothing of much importance is close together. The same cannot be said of Israel. I am sure that perspective will change as we move out of the Jerusalem area and go north and south.

Looking out from the Herodion, I was struck again by the beauty of the land. No, it is not green and lush. In fact, it looks very foreboding and harsh, but there is a rugged beauty in the valleys and ridges. IT is a hard way of life out there and forces one to trust God in order to survive. Maybe it is ironic, but the two most beautiful things I have seen on this trip so far are the harsh ruggedness of the wilderness and the ornate, delicate decor of the orthodox churches. Two opposite ends of the spectrum. Funny. Normally, I am a middle of the road sort of person.

Israel Flashback #3

2010-06-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

This entry is dated 15 May after touring the Central Benjamin Plateau.

I think today was my favorite day so far. I was actually able to see and experience how geography has influenced history. The land determines where you live, how you live, and how life unfolds. Because of how wadis have cut and shaped the wilderness and because of the climate and lack of vegetation, the Judean Wilderness is not prime real estate. The placement of the wadis also determine travel. In Israel, because of the deep valleys and and ridges, sometimes the shortest distance between two points is not a straight line.

Today I started falling in love with the land. I enjoyed standing on top of Nebi Samwell and seeing Jerusalem, the Dome of the Rock, the Mount of Olives, the Transjordan Plateau, and Tel Aviv in the distance. I enjoyed the drops and climbs in elevation, the green of the plants and trees and the brown of the rocks, the rocky terrain, and the broad, flat land. So much variation! Maybe this speaks more of my dislike of Dallas' static, flat land. This land is beautiful.

In Jerusalem the past few days, I have become aware of all the many barriers there are between people. Today I realized that barriers are built into the land. Wadis, valleys, ridges, plateaus, elevation--all serve or create barriers between people and communities. These barriers are not inherently evil as they can be used strategically for offense or defense, but they can also be used to exclude or exile anyone "we" do not like. So far this trip can be boiled down to one word--barriers.

Israel Flashback #2

2010-06-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

This entry is dated 15 May.

What a trip! So much has been seen and experienced. If I had to sum up Jerusalem, and even Israel for that matter, in one word it would be BARRIERS. There are so many barriers here. Walls between old city and new, between ethnic groups and language, men and women, clean and unclean. There are certain places for you to live depending upon your ethnicity or religion. Where you can pray at the Western Wall depends upon your gender. One group controls the Temple Mount, while another controls the land around it. Even at the Christian Church of the Holy Sepulcher there are barriers between the different Christian groups. Barriers over doctrine, practices, and territory--but no love or unity. All of these barriers has made my heart ache. It hurts when I hear group members denigrate Arabs or other Christian sects. There is so much pride, and I know I am guilty too. If we don't have love or unity for our own brothers and sisters, then what good is our faith? The city of peace is a place where there is no peace.

My heart also ached today as we drove through the West Bank region and I saw the shanty homes the Palestinians lived in. Yes God, are not Your chosen people, but they are still Your children too. Who besides God is caring for them? (Could this be my people group?) They are getting scraps from the master's table. I pray that I would not cling to my religion so tightly that I would deny a fellow child of God dignity and compassion. There is a lot of sanctification for You to do!

Side note: As we were learning about the Temple in the time of Jesus, I realized that people at street level would not have been able to see it. Another barrier that is between God and His people. Why do we put them up? Pride? Control? Insecurity? Hatred?

Israel Flashback #1

2010-06-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

One of our assignments on the trip was to reflect upon what we were seeing. I do not particularly like journaling (although I see its benefits), and I do not like being told to journal. Since it was an assignment, I did it, and I can humbly say that I am grateful for this assignment. How else could I have recorded or responded to a trip that probably has changed my life? Below is my first journal entry followed by reflections I had today. I am almost done putting together my photos so those will be coming soon.

Yesterday (11 May) Kevin and I went to the Church of the Holy Sepulcher where Christ was crucified and buried. Briefly = 10 minutes max, and I had my sunnis on. I say this because I didn't feel anything special about the place. Was it because I couldn't really see? Because we didn't have ea lot of time to explore and feel? Kevin says it was tiredness from jetlag. Probably it's a combination. It worries me a little. What if this trip doesn't change me? What if I approach the Bible in the same way? LORD, please open the eyes of my heart and soften it. Please let me see You in Your land.

I was reading Acts 3 this morning and was encouraged as I read about the beggar laying "at the gate called Beautiful" as Peter and John entered the temple. I know where that is! I have seen it! Places mentioned in the Bible are no longer abstract. I see them and the land as I read. The Bible is no longer words on a page but hills and valleys, rocks and shrubs, sea and desert, and a small patch of earth that God chose to be His promised land. My doubts from the beginning of the trip are erased. I am reading the Bible differently, but more importantly I have a deeper desire to draw close to the One who wrote the story of life. Amen!

Change

2010-06-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

I have decided to revert back to my original title and description for this blog. It's not that I have overcome perfectionism but that this theme applies better to my whole life and I can write about anything under the heading of adventure. Struggling with perfectionism is an adventure. Growing in grace is an adventure. Relating my recent trip to Israel is an adventure. Being authentic and transparent is an adventure. So despite the name changes, the content of this blog has and will remain the same. Hopefully, I will not.
It's time for change.

A Different Way to Live: A Cambodia Flashback

2009-10-02T17:35:00.000-07:00

One of the principal lessons I learned during my time in Cambodia is that the Gospel is not only for our future, but it also has relevancy and an impact on our lives today. Let me clarify. Most of the Gospel presentations I hear are focused on the person accepting Christ so that he will go to heaven when he dies. Many presentations even start with, “If you died today, do you know where you would go?” These presentations are not wrong, but they limit the Gospel to a future reality and do not provide a present hope for the many people who live in suffering, poverty, hard times, or pain today. What Christ has done for us on the cross does not only have importance for the future, but it also impacts and is relevant to our lives today. If we claim the hope of the Gospel, then we need to live in such a way that declares that hope. I know some of you may be saying, “This isn’t new, Beth. Our lives are supposed to be different and we are supposed to live by different principles since we are Christians.” I would agree. But, I often do not see Christians, myself included, living out the hope and promises of the Gospel, and this summer I experienced why it is necessary that we do so. Let me share about an encounter in Cambodia that will hopefully illustrate what I am trying to say.

One morning after my teammates had left, I went upstairs to their room to grab some supplies I needed for the day. I opened the door and there was Yah, one of the house helpers, cleaning the room with one of my teammate’s helmets on her head. She is young, and thinking she was just trying to have some fun while doing her job, I said nothing but went to get the supplies. Yah, on the other hand, immediately took the helmet off and came up to me apologizing, “Soam toe, soam toe, soam toe.” I replied with, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay.” She continued speaking in Khmer (since she does not know any English) and pointing to the helmet. (Taking into consideration her facial expressions and tone of voice, I think she was saying that she was sorry for wearing it and would not do it again. I remember thinking, “I wish I had a dictionary right about now.”) It took quite a few minutes to get her to calm down and understand that I was not upset. I looked her in the eyes and told her, “I’m not going to tell anyone. You are not in trouble.” She started crying, hugging, and thanking me. “Aw kuhn! Aw kuhn! Aw kuhn!”

I was puzzled by this sudden display of emotion, very uncommon for Cambodians, when it hit me. This could be the first time Yah has ever experienced grace. See, in the Buddhist-Spiritist mix of religion to which Cambodians adhere, merit is very important. Doing good things now = a good life in the afterlife. Hardships and difficulty in the present life = doing evil in the past life. You receive what you have earned—there is no grace. I couldn’t communicate with Yah through words, but God transcended my inabilities to communicate the foundational principle of grace to this lost child. This is what I mean about living out the Gospel. Sometimes how we live speaks louder than words.

Blog Change

2009-09-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

As you might have noticed, I have changed the name of my blog. For some time I have felt that this blog was egocentric and an attempt on my part to make myself important my reflecting through my life experiences. But my life isn't about me; it is all about the Triune God who chose me, saved me, and dwells within me. My focus is now to make Him greater with the result that I become less (John 3:30--a great verse).

But do not be misled by the new title. This blog will not be a place where I discuss the theological issues of Christian perfectionism, but it will be where I chronicle my struggles with being a perfectionist. By openly confessing, I seek transparency, integrity, accountability and not boastings of my "greatness." But do not worry if you enjoyed my previous posts. I will still continue to be a catalogue of my adventures because every aspect of life is an adventure with the proper perspective.

Cambodia Flashback

2009-09-06T13:15:00.001-07:00

I was sitting in the cafe waiting for the internet to connect (which it wasn't) when the anxious feelings started to creep in. I wanted to leave this place and go somewhere more comfortable. Then I think and realize that this is culture stress. I took a few deep breaths and it was better.

Eating out or going for a drink (smoothie, juice, coffee, milkshake, etc) in another culture is an experience. Fast food places and cafes here are not like the ones in the US. Do I order first and then sit down or sit down first and then order? I wanted to get a piece of pizza for lunch at a place in the mall the other day, but I was unsure about how to answer these questions. Instead, I went to a place where I saw that I ordered first and then enjoyed a piece of pizza (crisis averted!).

There are two options in this situation. First, to turn away and not even try or second, to make the best attempt possible and chance embarrassment and failure. Option 2 is the best, but I must admit I occasionally choose option 1. Both written and spoken languages are very different here so it is not as though I could understand any signs or what other people said. I try to ask questions but many do not understand. I have learned that my frustrations are not as important as trying to demonstrate to the Cambodian people my attempts at partaking in their culture.

This is culture stress. It comes and goes, and most often comes upon you when you are least expecting it. I like to know what is going on, how to be "proper" in various situations, and not to be embarrass myself or offend anyone. This is not always possible, and sometimes failure leads to greater success and more lessons learned. "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~ 2 Co 12:9-10. Tough lessons indeed. But good. Yes, good.

The Perfect Visit

2009-09-05T20:10:00.000-07:00

Today, I realized I never will have perfect teeth.

It all started a year ago with one cavity with several “suspicious spots” which turned into 7 cavities a week after that (with still many “suspicious spots”). I added mouth wash to my daily regimen of once per day brushing before bed. Six months later I was back at the dentist with a chipped tooth and my very own nightguard to wear for the rest of my life. Can you feel my joy? I began to brush and use mouth wash both mornings and evenings. Don’t worry, there is the occasional flossing tossed in there as well. My goal: to have The Perfect Dental Visit where they tell me, “Everything looks fabulous, your teeth are in great health, keep up the good work, see you in 6.”

Today, I was hopeful. I had been keeping up a good dental regimen and even increased the frequency of flossing (admittedly it would decrease until the next visit loomed on the horizon). I was confident that today was the day of The Perfect Visit. My hopes were high, and I was sure that I would receive the, “Everything looks fabulous, my teeth are in great health, keep up the good work, see you in six.” As I was getting ready I heard a Small Voice in the back of my head, “Beth, this is just another way you are seeking perfection. It’s not the way I want you to be.” In response I inwardly said, “Silly Voice, don’t You know I’m doing (almost) everything possible to have perfect teeth. Sure they will not be blindingly bright or without the big gap in the front, but they will be the healthiest teeth ever.” I turned off my ears to the Voice and continued focusing on the Visit.

Finally, the moment had arrived. The dentist and hygienist were looking over my x-rays. They were going to give me the final okay, except the okay didn’t come. Instead of a “Great job!” I got “You have 3 cavities.” Dang it. It seems all the brushing and mouth wash was not enough to stop some of those suspicious spots from developing into cavities (granted, some it had). While the dentist explained what was going on, that Voice came back and said,”See. I tried to tell you. I am not going to let you have perfect teeth. This is going to be a struggle for you, and I want you to grow. I want you to grow closer to Me.” “Okay, God,” I said. “I understand and I give back a piece of the idol of perfectionism that I have. Please help me recognize and give you more.”

Today, I realized and accepted I will never have perfect teeth.

Cambodia Stories: The Preschool

2009-08-17T08:14:00.000-07:00

After looking at my blog, I realized that I did not post as much on this site as I thought I did. My apologies. In the next few weeks I will post various stories and experiences from my time in Cambodia.

THE PRESCHOOL

One of things I have enjoyed the most are the ministries that were not on "the original plan" for the trip. Lisa and I had expected to teach English in a village (didn't happen), work at a ministry that helps women leave the sex trade, teach a couple of weeks at an international school, and volunteer at an orphanage. But we have been involved in so much more. Our team teaches English to Vietnamese kids twice a week, teaches a kids' Sunday school at one of our churches, types up English books for a ministry that does theological education by extension, and participates in a friendship/English outreach once a week. We all have other ministries to suit our personal skills, gifts, and talents.

One of my favorite ministries is ABC-123 Preschool. This preschool was started by our pastor's wife as she felt God calling her to open an English school in order to reach out to non-Christians in the community. She did and hired Christian women to teach. Even though one of these ladies is a mother, they do not have any previous experience teaching at a school or experience with children. When the director heard about my experience, she invited me to come and help. I have spent almost a week there and have loved it! It is not like any childcare center back in the States; some of this is due to the culture and some to the lack of experience. It has been tough at times not to jump in and tell them how things should be done, but God has enabled me to step back, advise when asked, encourage when necessary, and to love on the kids and have fun. I even learned a fun, new song! Even though I only spend a few hours there, they are the best parts of my day. What can I say, I'm a preschooler trapped in an adult body. Sometimes.

My experiences there have shown me that ministry success can happen when people do not have the knowledge or experience. But success happens as long as God has called them to do that work and the people submit themselves to Him. These women love the Lord and live in obedience to Him. They do their best to love and teach the children. God has made the preschool a success. Most of the children speak English very well. They enjoy it there because they know they are safe and loved.

I am very grateful for this experience. It was a surprise and not even planned, but God's plans are bigger and way better than mine. The unexpected is not scary as long as I am trusting the One for whom nothing is unexpected. "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD. ~ Isaiah 55:8.

Vietnamese Ministry

2009-06-24T00:00:00.000-07:00

The following is my journal entry for 18 June.

Today is the Queen Mother's birthday, and in celebration the schools have a holiday so no Logos this morning. Instead, Lois p'own sray, Lisa and I went to Miss Kim's house. When there isn't school she invites her youth group over for the morning and lunch. They are all Vietnamese kids whose parents came to Phnom Penh some time ago. They tens to be some of the poorest here since the can't get papers for real work or citizenship since they are Vietnamese ethnicity. Because of the poverty the parents sometimes sell their daughters to brothels for money. After meeting and getting to know a few of these beautiful, young ladies it breaks my heart to think about what could be the reality of their future.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays we teach English at New Hope School which is just for the Vietnamese. The first 3 classes I was with the youth but now I am with kids who are about 5 years younger and are just learning English. So far, this has been my favorite ministry experience. I did not expect any exposure to Vietnamese when we were making plans for this trip. The kids are so fun and sweet. It is difficult to teach English to those who are just learning, but it is important. The goal of the English classes is to help the kids get into Cambodian public schools, which for the girls means staying out of the brothels. When a girl starts to miss a lot of school then the staff know or suspect she will likely be sold soon. I look at their beautiful faces and bright spirits and wonder who could ever think of selling them. I have never had to live in such poverty though. What would I do to provide for my family? This is where the rubber meets the road with trusting God.

The youth group we spent time with today is really like a house church. Many in their families do not know God. It was an enriching and rewarding experience. We taught them a few songs in English, listened while they had Bible quizzes and teaching, did an origami craft, and played a few games. The Vietnamese language is written in English letters with tonal marks. Some of the books of the Bible have the same names. Most of the kids had their own Bibles and you could tell they really read and used them. We ate lunch with them as well. They were very kind, welcoming, served us and each other. I, who feel like I have so much to give, could only receive.

Again, this has been one of my favorite ministry experiences. On Tuesday, Lisa and I were praying, and as I prayed for this ministry I just started crying as I thought about what might happen to some of the girls. While it is not unusual for me to cry, it is unusual for me to cry like that. I am getting a hint of helplessness--that I cannot help or protect these girls. I hope that none of them will be sold, especially while I am here.

Please pray for this ministry and these children! Our English classes are 5:30-6:30 Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you happen to be awake Tuesday/Thursday mornings 5:30-6:30 central time or 6:30-7:30 eastern time, please remember us!

Week One

2009-06-16T00:56:00.000-07:00

We have been in the country a little over a week, returned to normal sleep patterns after jet lag, and already experienced some different ministries. It was a very hard first week. I experienced some culture stress as Cambodia is nothing like I imagined or expected. I will record more of my cultural observations and struggles on this blog in the next few days as I journal about them. I also had a hard week physically. Not with stomach problems as many might suppose, although my stomach is adjusting as well, but with a really bad heat rash that was all over my back, arms, and thighs. It has taken a few days but is now starting to clear up. Two main things I learned from this week are 1.) God is the only Sustainer and 2.) this trip is not going to be anything like my trip to Japan.

Week 2 has begun and everything looks brighter. Monday we started teaching summer school at Logos International School. I thought I was going to be teaching art for two weeks, but after a visit to the school last week I found out that I would also be teaching space/dinosaurs and English reading/skills. Fortunately, I had a few lesson plans for dinosaurs, the school had novelized versions of a Shakespeare play, and I can use the internet to find stuff to do for space. Flexibility is the name of the missions game! Anyways, class started Monday and I have 22 3rd and 4th graders. The boys are loving learning about dinosaurs, the girls are enjoying the art projects, and everyone is excited to read and act out a Shakespeare play. Who are these kids? Answer: blessings from God. Their teacher during the school year is serving as a helper in the class, and I am so thankful for her! She has helped me with ideas, finding supplies, making copies, and has really been encouraging. God is with me in this process!

Memorial of Genocide

2009-06-15T00:55:00.000-07:00

Background: In 1975 Pol Pot and the communist party Khmer Rouge came to power. The face they put on for the world was one of an ideal communist society, but the truth behind the mask was one of terror, mistrust, and murder. For four years, Cambodia endured and struggled for survival. Help came in the form of an invasion by the Vietnamese army, and the world was made aware of the millions of deaths that had been ignored, denied, or unheard. It is estimated that approximately 2 million people died directly from the genocide and another million died from the forced famine. The world had seen genocide before but not one committed against a group's own people group. This is thirty years later....

On Tuesday, my second day here, we visited Tuol Sleng or S-21. This was a high school that the Khmer Rouge used as a torture center where people accused of committing crimes against the party would be taken before they were executed. Only 7 out of 17,000-20,000 people survived. The compound is surrounded by the city but isolated from its rhythm of life. They stand silent, but you can almost hear the despair when you look at the fences put up around the balconies to prevent people from committing suicide in order to escape the horror, when you see a tear running down the woman's cheek in a picture taken of her at the beginning of her confinement, when you read the list of rules for the prisoners which if violated resulted in death, when you look at cells 2 1/2 x 4 feet that housed two people, when you see the instruments of torture on display. Voices were silenced.

Our tour guide was very young at the time. She survived by fleeing to Vietnam with her mother and a sister. Her father, brother, and a sister did not survive. It was good to hear her story and some of the facts of the genocide from her. She was calm but there was a degree of despair. (How many times had she given this tour and had to remember what happened to her people and family?) Why did this happen? Why did other countries (US, China, Thailand) further it instead of stopping it? Why were so many of the Khmer Rouge allowed to go free?

The genocide silenced so many voices. What is the voice of Cambodia saying now? Will it be as silent as the buildings of S-21? Will it ever be heard with richness and fullness? The reality of genocide is hard to comprehend but it forms the backdrop of the mentality here. This is a country struggling to gain its footing after so much has been lost. This is Cambodia.

Preparing Thoughts

2009-06-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
Because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted;
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners;
To proclaim the favorable year of the LORD
And the day of vengeance of our God;
To comfort all who mourn,
To grant those who mourn in Zion,
Giving them a garland instead of ashes,
The oil of gladness instead of mourning,
The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting.
So they will be called oaks of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.
~ Isaiah 61:1-3

This passage of Scripture described the ministry of the Messiah, and the people would know of the arrival of the Messiah by witnessing these works. Jesus read this passage at the beginningof His ministry to declare His Messiahship and what He was going to do among them (cf. Luke 4:17-21). For some reason I have always been struck by this passage. It speaks of liberation and restoration, that what was once broken will not only be mended but also made beautiful. I long for world to be restored, be made whole again, for shalom. It is not enough to be rescued but to also be restored, and all for His glory.

I have decided to claim this passage as the theme for the Cambodia trip. I am starting to pray that this passage will become a reality for the people with whom I will interact. In no way do I consider myself to be the Savior of the people. There is only One. I pray that He will work through me to make the broken whole and plant seeds that the Lord will grow into oaks of righteousness. Above all, I pray that He will be glorified and magnified in Cambodia. There is no greated goal.

I leave tonight!

Less than a week!

2009-06-03T06:25:00.000-07:00

In less than a week Lisa and I will be leaving for Cambodia! The vaccinations are complete, the packing has begun, and the excitement is starting to build. My life has been such a whirlwind lately that I am (somewhat) looking forward to being enclosed in a plane for 20ish hours. It is hard to imagine that a week from now I will be in a different country (yay!) adjusting to a 12-hour time difference (hmmm). For those of you who would like specific times, we leave Dallas at 10:30 p.m. Saturday and arrive in Phnom Penh at 11:35 am on June 8th. Gotta love crossing the international date line! My brother once told me it is sort of like flying to the future.

I will have email access at an internet cafe while I am there, but I do not know how often I will be able to go. I will try to send out updates as often as possible. Please feel free to email me if you wish, but I might not respond quickly.

Now on to the Cambodia portion of the email!

MINISTRIES

Lisa & I will be partnering with the following ministries most or all of our time in Cambodia. Below is just a snapshot of each ministry with available links if you want more information.

Daughters of Cambodia

(www.daughterscambodia.org) This ministry helps women and young girls leave the sex trade. In Cambodia, many are sold into the sex trade in order to pay off family debts or provide income for the families. DoC finds jobs for the girls so that they can get out immediately and still provide income for the family. It also cares for the girls in holistic ways.

Logos International School

(www.logoscambodia.org) This is a western-based school whose student body is mostly comprised of Cambodian orphans. There are also Cambodian children from wealthy families and expatriate children. Lisa & I will be teaching a two week summer camp. My lessons will focus on art, specifically styles of some of the masters. Many years ago when I worked at a daycare center, I had to plan summer camp activities and the lesson plans I will use in Cambodia were the result. It is cool to see how God is using those past experiences to build His kingdom among the nations.

Child of Peace

This is an orphanage, and we will be doing crafts and teaching English. I am really looking forward to this experience because I have not worked with orphans before. I feel that God is leading me to love those who have no one to love them, and this opportunity will be useful in that area. Plus, you know how much I love to play with kids and hug them!

PRAYER

I have attached a prayer guide if you would like more directed ways to pray for us. Other prayer requests and praises are below.

- Pray for protection, strength, and endurance from spiritual warfare

- Pray for safe travel

- Pray for quick adjustments and recovery from jet lag

- Praise for all of you who are supporting us through prayer

Again, thank you all for your prayers, support, and hugs. I will be praying for you as well.

Drumroll if you please.....

2009-05-01T19:54:00.001-07:00

........120%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, you read that correctly. Not only did God provide 100% by the deadline, but He also provided waaaaaaaaaaay more than that. I am guestimating how much extra but it is so cool to see how God opened the floodgates this week. Thank you so much for your prayers, support, and encouragement!

You now have a small reprieve from the updates. I will send another update next week to mark one month until we leave.

In the words of my good friend Julia, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Cambodia mini-update

2009-04-30T20:59:00.000-07:00

As of Thursday, 30 April, 11:00 p.m. CST, I am now up to 93% or $3802! If you have told me you are giving but have not told me the amount, your gift is not included in this number. There are quite a few of you so that means my total is actually higher. Yay!

Thank you God for providing so abundantly through all of these people, and thank you for allowing me to be a part of this Body, this family. You are good, you are all good, and you are the highest good. May I never forget or live as it is false. In Jesus' name I rejoice--Amen!

Cambodia Update #2

2009-04-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

CrossWorld
CrossWorld is a non-denominational missions organization that began as Unevangelized Fields Mission in 1931. They have missionaries all over the world building up the Church in various ways. For more information about the organization you can visit www.crossworld.org. I was introduced to CW through a fellow DTS student. He is an appointee with CW (which means he has committed to go with them long-term), and we were in the same missions group at church. Through him, my church, my school's yearly missions conference, and one of my professors, I have been able to meet other missionaries that serve with this organization as well as some of the stateside staff. Lisa and I choose to do an internship with this organization not only because we were familiar with it but also because they had a few ministry partnerships already set up in Cambodia. I am looking forward to partnering with them and learning about ministry in Cambodia as well seeing if God is leading me to join CW in future long-term missions.

Support Recap
Just a quick shout out of praise--I am now up to 69% or $2842!!!!!!! Only 31% to go until Friday (2 days away!), but I am confident God will provide. It has been so encouraging to see how He has provided so far, and it truly has been a blessing. Again, if you have not considered giving, then I ask that you would sincerely pray about it and see how the Lord leads. Any amount is one step closer to the goal. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns.

God has continually shocked and amazed me these past couple of weeks with His goodness. A few weeks agao I was really discouraged, but God through His grace has taught me two lessons. First, I should not stop listening to His voice. Without realizing it I had let discouraging voices turn my ear away from my Shepherd. Second, I need to be more patient. His ways are not my ways and His timing is not my timing. Patience is not something I can check off as accomplished but something that I must continue to cultivate. Fortunately, God is a gentle and gracious teacher.

Prayer Guides
REQUEST: God would provide 100% of the funds by May 1st.
REQUEST: My motivation and energy to finish the semester (love Greek but not writing really long exegeticals--sorry Dr. Fantin!). Please remember my fellow students as well as this week is our last week of class and next week is finals week. So much to do and so little time....
REQUEST: Protection from the evil one as Lisa & I prepare more for the trip.
PRAISE: We will be able to work with orphans! It looks like we will teach English and do crafts. More in the next update. Thank you all so much for partnering with me and coming along on this journey.

The following is my paraphrase of 1 Samuel 30:24. I hope it encourages you. Paraphrase of 1 Samuel 30:24 "The rewards for the people who stayed in America and supported those ministering in other places is the same as those who left. They will all share alike in the Kingdom."

Cambodia Update #1

2009-04-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

The Travel Dates
We will depart June 6th and return July 28th. That is about two months away! It is so hard to believe at times, but I am getting more excited each day (as if you couldn't tell by my abundant use of exclamation points). There is still so much to do in preparation for the trip and to finish the semester that it will fly by.

The Team
Who is "we" you ask? The "we" refers to my teammate, Lisa Yunker, and myself. Lisa is a good friend and fellow student from DTS. We first met at a function for prospective students back in March 2006. She is also in the Cross-Cultural Ministries program and has some pretty awesome physical therapy skills too. I am grateful for my friendship with Lisa because she encourages me in the Lord and directs be back toward Him. I know this will be important as we minister in a land of darkness.

The Ministries
Our sending agency, CrossWorld, has already set up some ministry opportunities for us. At the beginning of the trip we will have a few days of basic language and culture learning. Then, in no particular order as of yet, we will teach English to young adults in a village north of Phnom Penh for approximately 10 days, spend about 2 weeks ministering to women who have left the sex trade, and teach at an international school during the first part of July. Hopefully, I will be able to gain some experience working with orphans, and Lisa will be able to explore physical therapy opportunities. In the next update, I will give you specifics about CrossWorld as well as some of the ministries we will partner with in Cambodia.

Support-Raising Recap
The total cost of the trip is $4100 per person. I must have 100% of the funds in by May 1st or I will not be able to go. At this time, I am currently at 13% or $548. I am grateful for this amount because I know with this economy any gift amount is a blessing. So THANK YOU to those who have given! If you have not considered giving, then I ask that you would sincerely pray about it and see how the Lord leads. Any amount is one step closer to the goal. Will you be the answer to my prayers? If you have any questions or concerns please let me know.

Prayer Requests
- Pray that I will reach 100% by May 1st.
- Pray Lisa & I will continue to grow together as friends and as a team and that we would continue to encourage each other.
- Pray that we would be able to finish this school semester well and with sanity intact ;).
- Pray for opportunities to minister to Cambodian orphans on this trip.

Next Update
In the next update look for information about CrossWorld, Cambodia, and the other ministries I will partner with while I am there.

Goodbye Old Friend

2008-05-19T21:38:00.000-07:00

Today my friend and cat of 19 years was put to sleep. She had been ill for a long time and it was amazing that she lived this long, but she quit eating this past week, lost a lot of strength, and was listless. My dad made the decision to put her down and I agreed. She was so important to me; it won't be the same when I go home. I think I am actually taking her death harder than when my grandma passed away 3 months ago. Lady Grey's death was more sudden while I had around 2 months to prepare myself for Grandma's death from cancer. I spent those 2 months grieving and the result was that when Grandma finally did die I seemed to be released from the grief. With Lady Grey every time I left to come back home I always wondered if this would be the last time I would ever see her; I always thought I had more time with my Grandma. Regardless, I miss them both.

Aren't our reactions to death funny? We know that it happens to everyone, but yet we are still surprised for the most part when it does, as if we forgot that it happens and that it must happen. Death forces us to remember that we are not ultimately in control of our lives and what happens to us. We are subject to the greater Power. There is nothing that we can do and nowhere we can go that would remove from under that Power.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.

~ Psalm 139:7-10 ~

Simpler Times

2008-05-18T21:22:00.001-07:00

What happened to the simpler times? The times in my life when I remember being happy? Last year I remember being happy. Sure it was tough adjusting to school, making new friends, and allowing God to work in my life, but I was happy and joyful. Then the summer came and I was isolated from my Christian communities. My friends from school didn't want to make the drive to see me and I didn't want to spend my summer driving to see them so that was one part of my life cut off. Aspects of my Sunday school at church changed and it was more like a high school clique of which I was not cool enough to be a part. I stopped going to that. There wasn't anyone I could takt to or hang out with at work or at home so it was...just...me. I reverted back to my old ways of independence and self-reliance. After all, if there is no one around you for support the only person you have is yourself. I could have been disciplined and stayed connected to God but I let my shame push a big wedge between us.*

When school started back up again I guess I never really recovered from the summer. I got back into the groove of things, and doing became the definition and the norm as opposed to being. Now it is summer again. Two weeks into it and I am already cut off from those who would listen if I needed them to. There is no one to tell my glads to and there is no one to tell my sads to. I agreed to the decision today to have my 19-year-old cat put to sleep. She was my closest and probably only friend in my darkest of days growing up. She could always sense when I was upset. She would find me, let me hug her and cry into her fur, and purr to comfort me. No one else would listen. Who will listen from now on? I won't even be able to tell her goodbye or how much I have loved her.

A black cloud covers the day and I wonder if it will ever lift. I have been through these times before but I thought they were gone. Is this how life is? A continual series of rises, plateaus, and valleys? When will it end? Will tomorrow be a better day?
Please come out sunshine...

*I have figured out that I am too afraid of making myself vulnerable. I have been hurt and rejected so many times by people close to me that to open up is too dangerous. Unfortunately I never get really close to people. I keep myself closed up sometimes to the point where I am expressionless and emotionless. I worry that I will never marry because that would involve making myself completely vulnerable and dependent upon someone else. I also am not vulnerable with God. I am afraid that He will reject me. I don't remember the last time I really prayed about the issues of my heart. I am afraid of what He will say about who I am. Am I a disappointment and a failure? Who am I God? Was I worth it?

Why me?

2008-04-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

Why me, Father God? Why did you choose me? Out of all of the people in this world, why did you choose me? Knowing that I would fail again and again, knowing that I cannot be completely obedient--why did you choose me? I hate to disappoint you.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy upon me.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Beth's Bookworm Guild

2007-02-20T14:14:00.000-08:00

One of the awesome opportunities about being at seminary is all the really cool stuff I get to read. One of the downsides to being at seminary is the amount of cool stuff I have to read. As a result I have decided to list the books that have encouraged or challenged me, really made me think, or have influenced my Chrisitan paradigm in any way. If you happen to read anything on this list please let me know and we can dialogue about any said reading. I will update this post on occasion so remember to check it. Oprah ain't got nothing on this!

* Communication Theory for Christian Witness by Charles Kraft
* Mission in the Old Testament: Israel as a Light to the Nations by Walter C. Kaiser
* From Jerusalem to Irian Jaya by Ruth Tucker
* From the Ground Up by J.Scott Horrell

Time in da Word

2007-02-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

I wrote the following in a letter to a friend, liked what I wrote, and decided to post it. Is it that I am truly that arrogant or is it that I like to give out tidbits of food for thought? Talk amongst yourselves. There's your topic.

"So what has God been showing me in the Word? It's been really cool actually. I used to think that if after I had read my Bible during my quiet times and nothing amazing or spectacular jumped out at me then I had either done something wrong in my approach, had a wrong attitude, didn't read enough, etc. I now see it [the Bible] as the most important story ever. Just as a story has impact points or spectacular instances, so does the Bible, but the most important thing is to persevere to the end of the story and to tkae God's story as a whole. Now this is where the analogy ends because unlike a story the Word is living and active, able to penetrate your very being. It is able to transform. I have been approaching the Bible wrong; I have been approaching it with a what-can-I-get-out-of-it-for-this-moment type of attitude. Instead, I should approach it with a how-will-I-persever-and-let-this-transform-me? viewpoint. When I step back and look at it and life from the long-term, eternity in mind standpoint, that is when I am most changed. Change for the moment can happen, but change or impact with the eternal in mind is that which truly transforms and lasts."

We were made for the eternal.
Why do we only live for today?

A Paraphrase of Acts 3:1-10

2006-12-07T18:12:00.000-08:00

For one of my classes, I had to write a paraphrase of Acts 3:1-10. I presented my work in class and received some good feedback so I thought I would post it. I wish you could have seen and heard some of my other classmates' work: a rap song, comic strip, pirate poem, an allegory, painting, paper sculpture, and many, many others. Anyway, here is my project.

A DAY DIFFERENT THAN ALL THE OTHERS

When I woke up that morning I didn’t know it was going to be the day that changed my life forever. It didn’t feel any different. Nothing spectacular happened that morning. I woke up at the same time to the same sights and sounds. Same bed clothes on my body, same mat I slept on, same morning breath, and….the same lameness still affecting my legs.

I have been lame since birth. My parents took me to different doctors to see if I could be made better, but there was nothing any of them could do. Eventually my parents gave up trying and gave up hope. It was a hard decision for them to make. See in my culture, people believe that my parents must have done something wrong, and the result was my lameness. They tried to make me better not only for my sake but for theirs as well. By deciding not to continue treatment of my condition, my parents lost honor in sight of their friends and the whole family suffered.

I was fortunate enough that my parents let me live with them instead of turning me out on the street as I had seen happen to other lame people. They never complained to me but I know that I was a burden to them. All I could do was lie around the house all day and be in my mother’s way. When I was a teenager, my mother arranged with her nephews to have me taken up to the temple every day to beg alms from people. I didn’t like doing it at first. The people were always staring at me, the weather was often hot, and I would sooner or later be in pain from lying so long. It was demeaning, but eventually I got used to it. The people passing by weren’t too giving but every little bit was appreciated.

So anyway, back to the day that changed my life forever. My cousins took me up to the temple and laid me down at the gate the people called Beautiful. After laying in different positions all around that gate for years, to me the gate had lost its beauty long ago. It was in the middle of the afternoon and the sun was hot. There wasn’t much shade either. My cousins laid me down, left, and I started begging.

After years of begging, I’ve gotten pretty good. I can spot those with iron money bags and those who are loose with their money. I know when to play it up and also when to keep it quiet. While lying there, I see these two guys walking toward the temple. They looked like all the other guys around, but there was something different about them. I don’t know what it was, but they were…just… different. I started begging when one of them turned to me, looked intensely at me, and commanded me to look in his face. I thought he was going to give me a big amount and wanted to make a show of it, but that wasn’t the case.

The man continued to look at me intently and said, “I don’t have any money to give you, but I will give you the greatest possession I have. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth get up and walk!”

While he was talking, I was starting to get disappointed because I knew he wouldn’t give me any money but I was also getting confused by what he was saying. What was this guy talking about? Why did he mention Jesus? What does Jesus have to do with it? Now, I knew who Jesus was because I had heard of Him and the things He had done. I knew that He was a Jew and from a similar background as me. He went all over the country teaching, and preaching, and casting out demons, and even healing blind people and lame people. The religious authorities didn’t like Him at all, and I think what aggravated them the most was that they could never find a way to win a debate against Him. The people, though, respected and admired Him not only for what He said and did but also how He acted among us commoners. This Jesus wasn’t afraid to be among us or to even touch us. It seemed as though He enjoyed spending time with us even though everyone could tell He deserved the status of the religious authorities. I guess he rubbed the authorities the wrong way too many times because they had Him executed.

It was scary in the city during that time; people didn’t know what to think. A few days later people saw Him come back to life and then He went up into heaven. All His followers began to speak about Him and that He was the Son of God and talk about repentance and how the kingdom of God was near and stuff. There was also that day when they all suddenly started speaking in different languages. My family had talked about these events and thought that they were all crazy and that Jesus deserved what He got for going against the authorities like that. They had decided that He couldn’t have been the Son of God or the authorities would have recognized Him. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know if He was the Son of God or not. All I knew was that He did more for us throwaways of society than any religious person did.

I never met Jesus of Nazareth. I think I would have liked Him and I think we would have been great friends. He might have even healed me, I don’t know. What I do know is that He would never have looked at me the way everyone else does. I know He would have seen me as whole instead of lame. He would have seen me as the person I wish to be instead of the person I was. Yeah, I think I would have liked Jesus. He was a man’s man and I have to give respect to anyone who cares about people like me. But He was dead, or alive, or in heaven, or something, but in any case He couldn’t heal me now.

This is why I was confused when that guy mentioned Jesus. As soon as he finished speaking he grabbed my hand and yanked me to my feet. Before I knew what happened I was looking that guy eye to eye. I was standing on my own two feet! By some miracle they had been strengthened! I thought I was going to fall down but I didn’t! I kept standing! I looked at that guy, gave a laugh, and started walking around. You have to understand, I have never stood on my feet in my entire life. Here I am, an adult, and walking for the first time in my life. It was the weirdest thing to pick one foot up, put it down, pick the other foot up, and put it down. With each cautious movement I was afraid that I would fall down and be lame again, but it didn’t happen.

As I gained confidence with each step, joy flooded my body. Walking no longer became enough and I started leaping and dancing and sidestepping and wiggling my toes and just doing anything that made my feet move. I know I looked like a fool but I didn’t care. I was walking! My feet had never looked so beautiful until that day!

I started to go into the temple with the two guys who had healed me. You know, I don’t think I ever told them “thank you.” Anyway, as I was entering the temple I realized why they had mentioned Jesus. He did have the power to heal me, and by them calling His name it was as though His power had traveled from wherever He was, through their words, and to my body. I knew then that Jesus had to be the Son of God to have power like that.

I started praising God right there. I praised Him and thanked Him for making me walk again. I praised Him for Jesus and sending His Son. I praised Him for the two guys who healed me. I praised Him for allowing others to see what had happened to me. And I made sure they all saw. I walked around the whole time I was praising God. I couldn’t get over the new feeling of walking but I also wanted the people to see what God had done for me. Up until then, I didn’t have hope at all. To me hope was worthless and gave more pain than it took away. There was no reason to hope. But then Jesus healed me and I could walk. I wanted others to see me so that they would know that they could have hope and hope in Jesus. I just kept going around and around the temple praising God.

Well, what do you think I did next? You’re right I went home, but instead of walking I ran! I left those two guys in the temple and took off as fast as my feet could go. I wanted to see my parents and to have them see me. I wanted to show them how well my feet worked. I wanted to tell them what had happened with the two guys and Jesus. I wanted them to know so that they could feel the same joy I was feeling.

To say that all the rest of my days after that were completely different than before would be a gross understatement. It hasn’t been easy but every second has been worth it. I no longer think that I would have liked Jesus; I know I love Jesus now and live for Him. I haven’t forgotten the life I used to have, one full of pain, humility, and dependence, but I don’t live out that life either. I now am the person I wanted to be. And to think, my life is new and different not because of anything I had done but because of what someone, Jesus, had done for me. Praise God through Jesus His Son!

The Importance of Prayer

2006-10-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

Preface
For one of my classes, I am to answer a reflective question each week. So, if the topics seem odd it is because they are not orignal but merely me fulfilling an assignment like the good student I am. (Those who know me will pick up on the dry humor in the latter part of the last sentence.) I find that the questions are helpful and give me a good reason to post something.

The Post
In the past week I have been reading from Matthew, Psalms, Romans, and Numbers. The Book of Numbers has actually taken on new significance and interest for me as I have observed the role and importance of the nations in the book. I now read with a highlighter in hand so as to mark whenever the nations or peoples are mentioned. Lately, my prayer life has been suffering because I have not been trusting, and even resisting, that God would answer my prayers. Who am I that He should think of me, to do for me? As I write this, I hear a voice in my head that says, “It is not for your service that I answer your prayers but to display My glory.” Wow. I have been selfish in my prayer life. It isn’t about what God can do for me but how He uses me to display His glory to the people around me. I have also been struggling with the thought that I am not useful to God. I link usefulness with action; if I am not doing something then I am not being useful. With regard to prayer, God’s glory is displayed more by my inaction because it is Him doing everything and, therefore, deserving of all the glory. I am thankful for these moments of humbling, but I am even more thankful that God humbles gently more often than not.

Anyway, the verse I was going to share is Romans 8:32 which says, “He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?” I was actually talking with a friend last night about knowing when God has spoken to you, and this morning He did through His Word. I need not be afraid of prayer or hesitant of it. I need not doubt that my prayers will go unanswered. God has already answered the prayer of my heart by giving me Christ. Since, He has already given me the most wonderful, precious, and priceless (and for God the most difficult to give up) thing in the world, why would He not give me things of lesser value? To paraphrase the popular t-shirts: The answer to the prayer is Christ, the rest is just details.

Ramblings on My Relationship with God

2006-10-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

Why do I refuse God? I have a relationship with Him in the sense that I try to take from Him. I do not give to Him and neither do i let Him give to me. I have been pretty regular about spending time in the Word, which is good for me. I have not been regular of late. My prayer life is almost nonexistent because i am afraid of what He has to say. I know God loves me and has my best at heart. Why do i refuse Him? Why am i afraid of intimacy with my God and Savior? To be honest, it's because i have been burned so many, many times in the past. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I distance myself as a protective measure but i end up hurting myself more because i deny myself the intimacy with God i desire and need. I want to be wholly God's but i know that i am a liar with good intentions when i sing those words. I have a hard time trusting. I do not like myself this point in my pilgrimage. I wnat to be more than what i am, but i am not obedient enough to get there. I abuse grace. I want to be more godly, but my pride keeps getting in the way. My self will only truly die and be separated from me when I go home to be with Christ. Oh, how I wish that was soon at times.
I have a great tendency to be negative, but there are also some postive happenings with my relationship with God. I previously mentioned reading the Bible regularly. It has actually been exciting to read and i have been more engaged when i do due to the fact that i read with a purpose. My purpose is to see how God cares for the nations and how He has cared throughout the whole Bible. It has been really amazing to see. In Numbers 14 God is about to destroy all the Israelites because they refuse to go into the Holy Land. Moses intercedes and pleads with God to spare them because the nations will hear of it and doubt God's power (v. 11-16). I am excited to see how God reaches the nations, thanks to my mission-minded heart. I have been learning so much at school about this God i serve. He really is amazing.
"Oh, the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths betond tracing out!" ~ Romans 11:33

Power

2006-10-02T19:16:00.000-07:00

Tonight while at work I was struck by a source power, often unknown, and its ill effects upon my life. The source of power is the power of self and in essence the power of the sinful nature. I have been really sick the past two days (strep throat), and just today I have received my vitality and strength back. I wasn't really looking forward to going to work because I didn't want to lose this strength, get sick even more, and not be able to go to class tomorrow, but at least I didn't have to close. Not long after being at work the manager, who knew about my illness, came and asked if I could close stating that no one else wanted/should to do it. I was honest and said I didn't want to but would if there was absolutely no one else who could do it. She left without saying anything, and the other manager eventually came and told me that someone else would close instead.

It was during the time in between the managers' communications that I struggled with the situation. My questions: Why am I penalized because I didn't come in as early or don't have a final exam tomorrow? Why me? I even started to dislike my nature in that people know I will do what I am asked to do. I was upsetting myself, and it was during this time that I started to lose my strength and my throat started to hurt again. I knew I was being unreasonable and mostly unfair in my thinking, but I couldn't stop myself from this thought process. I did not have all the facts so I should not be judging and even condemning. Fortunately, I did not voice any of my thoughts.

On my way home I was thinking about the power of money over people with regard to my manager and her actions, but then it hit me. What about the power of myself/sinful nature over me and the result being my selfish thinking? My focus the whole time was upon me, my physical status, and how I was inconvenienced. Me, me, me, me, me. I didn't care about my other coworkers or what was happening to them. I didn't care about my witness to them. I only cared about me and my own little world. The power of the sinful nature is that it stealthily creeps in at my weakest moment and manages to give me tunnel vision with the end of that tunnel being me. It wipes away all thoughts and concerns I have about others and God. It is able to create the illusion that the whole world or even universe revolves around me and others and God are specks or even nonexistent.

This is the nature within me. This is the nature that God's Spirit wages war against inside of me as well. I learned in a class long ago that a person gains power only when another person or groups of people abdicates power to him. I have abdicated power to my sinful nature, and it has gained a stronghold in my life. It's funny in that if I didn't give it power then it would not have any, but to contrast, the Holy Spirit comes with His own power and all I have to do is be obedient to Him and let Him move through me. Through one is death and through the other is eternal freedom. I have to deny myself and let the Spirit do what He came to do.

Matthew 16:24 ~ Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

Under Construction

2006-09-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my new blog site. I do not promise to be current, but i do promise to be honest. Have a blessed day!