Goodbye Old Friend

Today my friend and cat of 19 years was put to sleep. She had been ill for a long time and it was amazing that she lived this long, but she quit eating this past week, lost a lot of strength, and was listless. My dad made the decision to put her down and I agreed. She was so important to me; it won't be the same when I go home. I think I am actually taking her death harder than when my grandma passed away 3 months ago. Lady Grey's death was more sudden while I had around 2 months to prepare myself for Grandma's death from cancer. I spent those 2 months grieving and the result was that when Grandma finally did die I seemed to be released from the grief. With Lady Grey every time I left to come back home I always wondered if this would be the last time I would ever see her; I always thought I had more time with my Grandma. Regardless, I miss them both.

Aren't our reactions to death funny? We know that it happens to everyone, but yet we are still surprised for the most part when it does, as if we forgot that it happens and that it must happen. Death forces us to remember that we are not ultimately in control of our lives and what happens to us. We are subject to the greater Power. There is nothing that we can do and nowhere we can go that would remove from under that Power.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

If I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

If I settle on the far side of the sea,
Even there your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.

~ Psalm 139:7-10 ~

Simpler Times

What happened to the simpler times? The times in my life when I remember being happy? Last year I remember being happy. Sure it was tough adjusting to school, making new friends, and allowing God to work in my life, but I was happy and joyful. Then the summer came and I was isolated from my Christian communities. My friends from school didn't want to make the drive to see me and I didn't want to spend my summer driving to see them so that was one part of my life cut off. Aspects of my Sunday school at church changed and it was more like a high school clique of which I was not cool enough to be a part. I stopped going to that. There wasn't anyone I could takt to or hang out with at work or at home so it was...just...me. I reverted back to my old ways of independence and self-reliance. After all, if there is no one around you for support the only person you have is yourself. I could have been disciplined and stayed connected to God but I let my shame push a big wedge between us.*

When school started back up again I guess I never really recovered from the summer. I got back into the groove of things, and doing became the definition and the norm as opposed to being. Now it is summer again. Two weeks into it and I am already cut off from those who would listen if I needed them to. There is no one to tell my glads to and there is no one to tell my sads to. I agreed to the decision today to have my 19-year-old cat put to sleep. She was my closest and probably only friend in my darkest of days growing up. She could always sense when I was upset. She would find me, let me hug her and cry into her fur, and purr to comfort me. No one else would listen. Who will listen from now on? I won't even be able to tell her goodbye or how much I have loved her.

A black cloud covers the day and I wonder if it will ever lift. I have been through these times before but I thought they were gone. Is this how life is? A continual series of rises, plateaus, and valleys? When will it end? Will tomorrow be a better day?
Please come out sunshine...

*I have figured out that I am too afraid of making myself vulnerable. I have been hurt and rejected so many times by people close to me that to open up is too dangerous. Unfortunately I never get really close to people. I keep myself closed up sometimes to the point where I am expressionless and emotionless. I worry that I will never marry because that would involve making myself completely vulnerable and dependent upon someone else. I also am not vulnerable with God. I am afraid that He will reject me. I don't remember the last time I really prayed about the issues of my heart. I am afraid of what He will say about who I am. Am I a disappointment and a failure? Who am I God? Was I worth it?